Dear.....

New opportunities

2006-04-04T12:49:00.000Z

This weekend has been eventfully and curiously more enlightening as it went on, following my job interview on Friday afternoon. That went very well, I thought I had ballsed it up for a while, yet quite astonishingly yesterday I was informed that the job was mine, I'm now going to be working in Marketing for a well known Human Rights organisation, my ideal job.

My excitement for this continues to grow, I remember seeing the advert and being so moved that this job was made for me that I physically cried. How gay. Yet I not ashamed of admitting that, this is something that has come at the right time almost with impeccable timing, especially with my looming redundacy, and my new boss is delightful, yesterday he mentioned that everyone there (I suspect that was a slight exaggeration, possibly even considering the entire Marketing Dept) was really excited that I was coming, and looking forward to working with me. I can't wait.

Also on Friday afternoon, I was sent an email about Hat Club opening in Clapham, I've been to Hat Club in Brighton, and loved it, funky music, nice people, extrodanary hats. Which reminded me of a lovely young man I met in A:M who was wearing a charming hat when we met, and was the basis of our much covered conversation during the evening. So I texted him to enquire if he would be interested in joining me there, he rang back and we discussed it at length, plus my recent job interview. He is a photographer, and is currently during a project on Human Rights abuses in the country, and was planning a piece containing several nudes in parliament Sq, and enquired f I would like to join, so it seems one phone call later, and I've managed a date and permission to swagger round the HofP in the nude, an ambition I didn't even realise I had until it was suggested to me.

Then there was the occasion of my Godchild's christening on Sunday, of which I seem to have renounced sin in her name, oh dear, what were her parents thinking of asking a drugged gay man to be their child's moral guardian. The child's life is corrupted before it's even started properly yet.

Leaping

2006-03-30T12:36:00.000Z

It's been a turbulant time in work recently, there are major changes afoot, including a loss of 25 people who currently do my job, out of a current 105.

The other thing is that the job is also changing for those that stay, whereas now my workload is taken up with analysing and assisiting buying with allocating and store communications, will now become purely allocating and store communicating.

I've always been in two minds about my job, the analysing I love, the allocating a bore, so with this is mind, I put myself up for voluntary redundacy, as yet to be confirmed. Now this week during consultation, the true reasons behind the change were annonced, whereas previously we were told that it was to improve the business, the directors set out how many they actually wanted to lose, and it was the job of the projct manager to relaise these figures, which is appalling treatment by a supposedly 'fair and respected employer', yet this isn't the only point of aner aainst the proposal. The business, as with many other offered a bonus on company and unit performance, which the business had achieved with ease this year, and hasn't happened for a number of years. This week is the last week of the fiancial year, and the directors hav stated that the bonus payments will be annonced on April 10th, but won't be paid till June 10th. With discussions of those facing redundacy it has come about that 1) as the company considers reducdacy as dismissal it won't pay, and 2) even if it decided to do so, the people facing redundacy would have to be here on June 10th.

Now everyone has worked long and hard to achieve bonus over the last year, and for once it will be paid, then they decide to make 25 people redundant and also stop them from reciving the bonus they've earned, but stating that they need to be employed by the company on June 10th, but they won't be as they're firing them, it's an appalling treatment of people who have worked hard for the company.

Anyway, on a more positve spin, I applied for the job I wanted as Marketing Analyst, and have an interview tomorrow, terribly nervous about it all, but i've spent the past week researching and revising, so I should be all set.

My personal life is as chaotic as ever, I took Ant to the girls leaving party last Friday, before he proceeded to get wasted, and was asked to leave. I really dont know how to feel about Ant, sober, he's lovely, funny, kind, attentive, wastd he's letchy, abusive, inconsiderate. What do I do aout it, I'm not conviced I have the aplitude to put up with his self destruction every time we go out, I need someone who is fine with who they are, and aren't hellbent on destroying themselves, it's not where I am personnally, although I am filled with guilt about the feeling this way.

This weeknd is Rhiannon's Christening, Ferdie is arriving from Nottingham, so it will be Rich, Ferds and I again, which hasn't happend for about 5 years now. I'm looking forward to it.

Desperately Seeking......

2006-03-21T19:24:00.000Z

During the last few weeks, I've again tormented myself with the knowledge that I'm single, and apart from the brief interludes last year with Jay, Andy and Adam, all of which lasted about 4 weeks apiece, I have been for more than 2 years since Reg left me for Piers.

Life has moved on considerably since then, I've become more sure of myself, finally convincing myself that I have reasonable looks, although not pretty by any standard. Everyone comments that they can't understand why I'm single, as I'm 'so nice', but clearly they're not being as honest as they should.

On Gaydar, I'm always asked to provide more pictures, yet when I do, they never reply, even if we've flirted previously quite outrageously. It took me a while to realise that while I'm not picture perfect, I'm considered cute by some, as in person, I exclude a certain energy and aura, that makes me appear more desirable than a picture would.

There's a lot about me, that I've been afraid to share, and a this has led me to shy away from relationships as they progress, or on occasions, been so desperate for someone to share these hidden incidents, that I've come on too strong too quickly, and scared them off. Reg was an exception for me, I actually wasn't too bothered about him first of all, then he grew on me, until I felt that I had loved, the first since Ray left me for a barmaid during my Swansea days. His leaving me left a huge gap in my life, I felt empty again, and unloved by everyone, so I closed myself to sharing again.

Although this year, I've said that I wouldn't rush anything, and while there are a few boys in the picture, I've not pushed it too much, perhaps even being not pushy enough for them to realise my interest, well that's what I thought I was doing.

This weekend, I spent the majority of my time with the girls down the road, although they're lesbians, and previously I've been nervous around lesbians. I connected with a couple of them, during the early mornings while in a drug fuelled state. Yet while I could chat to Ange about everything, and we shared similar childhoods and other stories, which is the stuff that has prevented me from opening up to others. It was with Jen that I realised more about myself. She quite rightly pointed out that my facade about not looking for someone was false. She mentioned that she had been single for 4 years before meeting her girlfriend, and that she decided that she would be alone forever, which was what my feelings were. I had decided that my life was destined to end as a single person, never connecting with anyone again, and sharing my feelings of love and depair with anyone else.

Yet I realised that I am still looking, I am still desperately seeking someone to share my life with, and to say that I shouldn't be looking as I had tried to convince myself and others had tried to impose on me, just isn't working. I feel alone, and unsure of how to progress, I want to stop looking, as that, as the cliche states, is when someone will bound into my life to rescue me from my loneliness, yet I can't stop pretending to myself that this is true, how do you accept the fact that all those feelings of wanting to share your thoughts, desires, passions and uncertainties with someone else, and be there for them to tell you theirs. How to do you become passionless over a need to expose yourself deeply with another, and yet still be able to appreciate life and the world with wonder. There's no switch to turn this off and on, and I dread the time when if I could not feel a need, a passion, would life be interesting, would it still make me want to live it.

It's easy for those that have found people to offer advice about how to conduct your personal life, yet not everyone is the same, not everyone wants to feel dead to life, and not everyone can turn it off. So, what now, how do I manage this passion of life, this desperate need to share against the feeling of emptiness within.

p.s. I ended up sleeping with the Dr and bf again. tut! tut!, I really must control these urges, it will end ugly otherwise.

Cautious

2006-03-21T19:05:00.000Z

It's been a number of weeks since my last entry, mainly as I've considered the possiblity of not using this site again. I started blogging years ago on 20six, using it as an electronic version of my diary, which I wrote since the age of 12. Yet the ability for others to leave comments meant that, I would in turn read their entries. This then meant that I would also leave comments, and conduct conversations viia the comments with other bloggers.

Before I knew it, I was writting entries to entice comments, rather than using it as intended to voice my inner thoughts which I couldn't explain in other ways. That was when I decided to stop using it, and eventually leave blogging all together. Then months later, I received an email from a young man called slightly, who commented that he had found my entries entertaining. So I decided to start again, fuelled by the desire to have my work read and praised, so I started this blog.

Then again I found myself commentating on others, and writting to attract comments, or feel as if it's being read, but that's not why I started blogging in the first place, so I need to start again, so I've turned the comments off, I no longer want to know if anyone reads this diary entry, it's not for you, it's for me, a place to put my thoughts. Explain things I want to remember, but can't tell anyone, as I don't have a partner, or don't want to give too much of myself away to others.

All Hail Ming The Merciless

2006-03-03T11:55:00.000Z

It's been with growing apathy over the last 5 weeks that I've watched the Lib Dem leadership election.

From those dizzying and unexpected revelations concerning Charlie 'Just the One!' Kennedy, Mark 'Shit Hit the Bedspread' Oaten and Simon 'Not Me Guv'!' Hughes, it all stumbled into a nice but boring campaign. Even when all 3 candidates were on Question Time, not one of them seemed to eke any charisma or aptitude for relating to anyone other than die-in-the-wool Lib Dems who have been in the past mistaken (or maybe not) as the Sandal & Sock brigade. It was all 'Yes, I agree whole-heartedly with so-and-so, blah! blah! blah!' Where was the questioning which was to mark the party's new direction from being portrayed as all things to all people, and finally mark our ground on the major policies, which have been swamped by New Labour and the compassionate conservatives (with a small c) in recent years.

With such lacking discussions and a failure of the new breed of young forward-thinking Lib Dems, who are engulfing the party at every other level to stand for election, it was no surprise that 'Ming' Campbell won, it was also no surprise that Chris Huhne came second, partly for Hughes denial of being gay, then admitting being bi-sexual, which is different, but in a lot of people's eyes, myself included, if he had kept quiet about it, regardless of direct questions, he would have been respected more. Members didn't like being lied to, he should have known better. The other reason is that despite being grey haired, Huhne is one of the new breed, which is moving the party from it's central left position to a more acceptable belief in maintaining public services, without moving from encouraging business growth. If one of his brethin like Ed Davey, David Laws or Andrew George had run, then with their similar policies as Huhne and also Campbell, mixed with their more apparent charisma, they surely would have taken the leadership.

Well what's done is done, although based on this most bruising of contests, the result will only become apparent, in the weeks and years till the next General Election. Will 'Ming' live up to his namesake and become merciless in his approach and policies, or will he be more becalming and dodery as many will now seek to betray him, either way, does anyone really care anymore, or even taking notice.

Homophobia within Sport

2006-02-23T11:11:00.000Z

I've been reading with interest the posts by Zefrog and Slightly concerning Football and Homophobia, and the so called 'outings' of the Premiership footballers.

While both make valid points, concerning the impact that it would have on society if some of the players within sport were to come as gay, there seems to be a discrepancy between other sports and football.

Growing up in Wales, were Rugby is considered on par with religion, it has was always acknowledged that there are players who are gay, but not openly so, even if they did, I don't believe that there would be much of a anti-gay movement as Slightly claims. I've personally slept with 2 players who have played at International level for Wales, and a even more who have played at Club level.

Apart from the ones who were in relationships with females at the time, the others were known within they're clubs as being gay or bisexual. This didn't affect the relationships that the other players had with them, although as expected it was used regularly as a way of mocking them, but not viciously, more in banter, as they would also mock those of a shortened height or with a lisp. While some may consider this as being offensive, it also should be remembered that if someone was to say something about the gay players and meant it offensively from any other team, then the teammates of those who were being attacked would support them.

This also applies to those who support Rugby, fans in general are considered polite to those who play against their team, while they want they're team to succeed and there are rivals within the sport, generally most fans appreciated other teams, are respectfully of them and the players within the opposition. A player of different colour, creed or nationality doesn't tend to suffer any abuse from fans when they play. Those of different clubs aren't targeted when they play for the International teams, and even International teams for example England when playing against Wales, are afforded that respect when they play. There are a number of players who the fans know to be gay, yet don't chant abuse or torment them even if they play for the closest rival team, Rugby is and will continue to be a thug game played by gentlemen, and this applies to the fans too.

Football on the otherhand doesn't have the same respect either by the players or the fans. Players details of they're private lives are sort after, and exploited by the press and the fans to hurl abuse, mock and seek an advantage by demoralizing the player and the team.

The current obsession, not only by the tabloid press but also the gay press, which you would consider would be more respectful of people's private lives, mainly for readership and advertising revenue, in regard to the football players who have indulged in private behaviour whether it was gay or not shows how far we have to go to respect others be they gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight and their privacy. Just because someone has a trade within the public arena doesn't mean that they have to be tormented when they live within the law and cause no legal or moral disturbances.

Gay footballers will not be able to come out now or in the future until public obsession with the sexual lives of those who are held in high regard, idolised or in the public eye disappears.

Hopefully the readers of the Sun, NofW and other equally unrespectfull media outlets will tire of the current witchhunt over people's sexual lives, which will enable those who wish to live openly as gay, lesbian or bisexual without themselves or others constantly stating so will be able to.

Going Home

2006-02-22T16:42:00.000Z

I've been excessively poor of late updating this blog again, only one simple post in 2 weeks, I won't lie to you, I just couldn't be bothered. Lots has gone on, but my memory has become fuzzy again, so I can't remember enough details to finish what I'll start.

In light of my last post, my lovelife (which is contradictory word by my book) has stalled completely, but that doesn't matter, since the last post I met my first guy on Gaydar fo purely sex reasons, invited him over, experianced his shock and awe tattics of foreplay and within the hour he was off cycling home, so that should keep me happy for another couple of months.

Within the last 2 weeks, I've been kidnapped by 6 lesbians and taken back to their abode, plied with ck (the new drug of choice amongst the gay community) and vodka, and sounded out for the 'security' services.

I've been waxed, cut, tanned and whored for charity. Left my volunteering for the Samaritons, enroled in Amnesty.

I've learned palmistry, read an interesting, yet dubious book by John T Manning on the links between finger ratios and homosexuality. Enroled for my CIPD course to allow me to go back to training and development. Enroled on a Chinese (Mandarin) language course, and got a friend to teach me Cantonesse in exchange for me teaching him Welsh (clearly not a equal swap, but at least Welsh is more romantic).

I've discovered that people have lines which when crossed (even when not done on purpose) can lead to the silent treatment. Also that (pre)friends on drugs can lead them to become paronoid and cut you off completely.

Still apart from that insightfull fortnight, the main jist of this post is that as of tomorrow I'm going back to Wales for 6 days. This joy of returning to desolate landscapes, poor communication methods and Albright bitter is only compounded by the knowledge that at least I'll be able to work more on my book, which has falling by the wayside in the last month or so.

Well stay fresh.

A Week is a Long Time in a Love Life

2006-02-16T11:05:00.000Z

Within the last week, the love front has grown more complex, and then simplified itself.

Last Tuesday I finally had the date with Ad, which seemed to go ok, he's the kind of guy that appeals to me intellectualy, and when I'm in his company, I enjoy being able to discuss things with him that the majority of my friends don't discuss at all.

In a lot of ways he reminds me of my friend P, as they both have interests in politics, science, yet Ad also enjoys Opera as much as I. While they both would make enjoyable companians, I can't imagine having sex with either, therefore not great bf material. This is a shame, as Ad is very cute.

So come Wednesday my attentions are more drawn towards At, who's the one that used to date P when I was going out with R (P's current bf), but again I'm not sure of my motives here, so we'll leave this for now.

Gay Perceptions

2006-02-07T13:45:00.000Z

I read yesterday that the ASA had dropped 80 complaints against an advert involving a gay kiss on primetime TV. http://www.gay.com/news/article.html?2006/02/04/2

While the ASA stated that the kiss for Dolice & Gabbana watches couldn't be banned for its homosexual kiss alone or even the time it was shown, it's enlightening to find that the majority of the population now accept that this is a natural act, and shouldn't be hidden from anyone including children who might have been watching.

This was on top of the article in the Independent yesterday stating the Top 10 Gay adverts. There seems to be a growing influx of adverts portraying gay characters or events, yet in the past this boundary has been pushed for more shock value than advertisers wanting equality on our TV screens, so with the ASA verdict, will we see an increase or decrease in gay characters on adverts.

The other query is now that parents will have to be aware that their children will be faced on adverts with gay relationships and events, are they going to be more open about accepting these relationships and explaining it to their children, or will they impose their repulsion to gay relationships, either way, it means that there will be more openness concerning the gay community.

Girls. Girls? Girls!

2006-02-06T21:42:00.000Z

Prior to our disco dancing on Saturday night, due to our eagerness(confusion?)we had an hour to kill before we could enter, so we stumbled across a small white pub in Vauxhall. It had a sign outside saying "Valley of the Dolls", so we apprehension we enetered, not knowing what to expect, or if 5 gaymen would be welcome, we were quite relieved to see several Transexuals/Drag Queens at the bar.

The owner come over and explained that it was a 'Private Party', which was on every Friday but we wer more than welcome to have a drink for the evening, and stay if we wished. He also wanted to check that we were aware of the clientale, and that we were accepting of that.

So we stayed for a drink, and during that time, I noticed that the others in my party were becoming slightly agitated, and wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Once outside, they continued to be slightly disconcerting of the pub and it's clientale. This surprises me, I've always been comfortable around Drag Queens and Transsexuals, partly as in my Swansea days I was a Drag Act, fabulous of course, partly as I'm from a small gay community we all stuck together.

Yet the reaction of my friends, whom are nice people, feel there's while it's acceptable to be entertained by Drag Queens from the stage in their locals, aren't comfortable drinking amongst them whn they're dressed up but not performing.

Considering we're now in LGBT History Month, is there increasing factions in the LGBT community that are heading towards discriminating amongst those that we've stood by in the past while others were discriminating against us. Now we have our laws protecting us, is there going to be divides, created in part by those gaymen who seem to think that being Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender is beneath those of a 'pure' Gay orientation.

If so, how can we rectify this before soon we'll be having individual History Months dedicated to just the Lesbian, Gay or Transgnder sections of our community?

Putting on a Show

2006-02-02T12:18:00.000Z

Note: When you go outside to smoke one of your 'funny' cigerettes, especially when your listening to your iPod, in particular David Bowie's Jean Genie.

Do NOT dance around the garden, especially at the same time as the neighbours across the way are having a dinner party, therefore providing them free and amusing entertainment during their meal.

Next time charge them!

Messing Up

2006-01-31T17:07:00.000Z

Over the weekend, I went to a couple of R & P's party, which was an agalmation of many events, including their birthday, Chinese New Year, and housewarming.

Once there, I caught up again with A, whose I hadn't seen since before Christmas, or perhaps Christmas Trade, anyway, since then , he had been on a 3 week trek through Nepal, cumlutating in strolling over Everest.

We discussed his trip for a while, then I got dragged over to entertain others, but he looked well, tanned, rustic even.

Then come 6am, 20+ of us left at the party, decided to go to a after-hours club. While there, I met A again, who was a bit messy, so I sat him down and went looking for any cute guys.

A couple of hours later after managing to get my flatmate a safe taxi home, I discovered A still sat in the same place, but a bit more 'with it', and had a pleasent conversation with him. It was then I noticed that there was something about him, that had changed since he had been away, all for the better, perhaps he's found something, but it's definately something extra.

Now A, was an ex of P's, and I while I've known him for a while now, and like him personally, I've never thought of him as a potential date type person. Yet now I'm considering it.

There's a large amount of history between R, P, A and me, which involved, dating, splitting up, getting back together, leaving for others, splitting up, wanting to get back together, and the rest of it.

It all finished with R & P getting together for the 2nd/ 3rd time (I lost count), and making a go of it, which I supported, and so did A I believe.

Yet this leaves myself and A single, which we've both enjoyed seperately. Then on Sunday, as we were all chilling out in a Soho pub, after our 5 minute tour of the Portrait Gallery (catching all the Van Gogh's and the Monet), and scrumming through the throngs of people in Chinatown, I found myself flirtting with him quite outragouisly, and him responding, I had to back off slightly, as it all seemed too easy for us to fall into these partnerships.

As I'm still very good friends with R & P, in fact they're my cloest, I found myself getting concerned about what they're reacting would be, especially P's as he and A were very much in love, and how much of a mind-fuck it would be for everyone involved.

So I question myself on do I ask A out for a date, and see how things progress with a guy I now very much like, or do I stay away and keep things simple in the context they now are, following 2 years of hurt, rejection and love that it's taken all 4 of us to get here?

Escorting

2006-01-27T14:05:00.000Z

There have been a number of entries regarding the exposes of Mark Oaten and Simon Hughes involving gay chat lines and rent boys. Including an entry today by Zefrog, linked above.

Some of what's been said is correct, yet there's is a disparity between paying for sex, and hiring an escort. Now as a former escort, I never considered myself a rent boy, and a great many in the London area and beyond who currently are, and I'm friends with a couple who are escorts, would feel the same for the following reasons:

1. While I charged for my company, I never charged for sex only. Sex was an additional service that some escorts provide and some don't, it's was my choice, and usually it depended on the client, the money involved and my mood at the time.

2. Escorts, like I was, mainly tend to be used as someone who provides company to generally elderly clients. When I used to provide this service, I had to be able to hold a decent conversation and also have interests in opera, the theatre, the arts, literature, food and politics. Most escorts can adapt to suit any client, and therefore have to have wide ranging interests and abilities.

3. Escorts tend to decide to enter the profession, and due to the usually respectable clients, in part due to the higher costs they charge as opposed to rent boys, generally are drug free, which enables them to leave the profession when they choose to.

4. Rent boys, provide a purely sexual service, similar to female prostitutes, because of this, the prices they charge are less, they are more inclined to be drug addicts, usually to help them overcome their feelings of deprivation. This in turn leads them to continue being rent boys to feed their drug habits. While there are pimps in the same manner as there is in female prostitution, there are 'agencies' which operate to provide the services, and take a fee of the rent boy’s charges.

In general escorts are more discreet, knowledgeable, cultured and respectable. To place them in the same bracket as rent boys without acknowledging the difference is to underestimate the time and effort it takes to become a decent escort, whereas any man can become a rent boy.

My Chances of Leading the Lib Dems....

2006-01-26T13:53:00.000Z

...have improved greatly over that last 2 weeks.

If it's not enough that they topple a leader who had 'alcohol problems', one of the candidates for the job was linked to gay escort stories, and now Simon Hughes has come out as bisexual.

Now as someone who has previously encompassed all three activites plus past drug offences (a la Cameron), surely that leaves me more qualified to lead the party than the others.

Now as some are aware I'm Gay, but I've previously been Bisexual, mainly between the ages of 15-19 of course, it was something I dabbled with, well women I dabbled with, a case similar to Clintons "trying dope but not inhaling" as it were.

Then between the ages of 18-21 I plied a small business as a gentleman's escort, which unlike a 'Rent Boy', meant I wasn't obiliged to have sex, yet if I wanted too, and they paid enough, then I would. I have no shame about this. It helped pay my way through college and Uni, and enabled me to buy a house, and earn good money for being in the company of proper gentlemen. Which allowed me to have a certain taste of the things I love, but which my friends had no interest in, like Opera, the Theatre, Literature and Arts.

The alcohol issue has already been discussed, that derived more from boredom and loneliness when I first moved to London. While it had it's drawbacks, the majority of the time was spent in a half dazed stuper, which as those who have been out on a Friday night will testify is not always a bad thing.

So the possibility of me being able to become leader is increasing everyday, all we need now is for Chris Huhne to be embroiled in a 'sheep & drug' incident, and the job's mine.

A Date

2006-01-26T10:29:00.000Z

Following yesterday's post about my nerves regarding asking a young man out.

I remembered that yesterday was in fact St. Dwynwyn's Day, which is the Welsh version of St. Valentine's Day.

St. Dwynwyn was a young lady in the 5th century, who when stopped from loving the man she wanted, become a Nun instead, so while the rest of the world celebrates a the saint that represents the pairing of creatures, we in Wales celebrate love by promoting someone who decide on celebacy as a sign of true love.

Is it any wonder that the population is decling in Wales.

Still, feeling full of the feelings of misplaced passion, I took the plunge and asked the young man out to a party with me on Saturday. While he unfortuniately couldn't make it that day, we've arranged drinks next week as a alternitive.

Although he questionned my movements this week, I've decided to "play it cool" and not get myself all worked up and excited too early. So next week it is.

All I needed was a little courag, and an excuse to call, thanks Dwynwyn love.

Dating

2006-01-25T14:13:00.000Z

It's been a while since I've dated properly.

Usually it's just been sex dates which isn't the same thing, as there's less worry about if you'll won't get along and less concern about what happens if you end up in bed togther too quickly, as that's intntion from the arrangement through to completion.

In fact thinking about it, the last time I went on a proper date was last Febuary, which went well, until I realised how short he was (he came upto my navel - which some would argue was the perfect height).

Following on from last Friday's dinner with the Dr and his boyfriend, we came to the argreemnt that we would no longer have casual sex, and just have friendship, which is great, as it's stops everything getting too messy, and while we're still getting on as friends.

So I was pleased when following dinner and sex we all went out together and met up with one of their friends who turned out to be a charming young man, with similar interests as myself such as politics, Opera, diner and the Theatre, we chatted, swapped numbers and went our seperate ways.

Now as I haven't felt interested in someone like this for a long time, someone who intrigues me more as a person, than just a sexual conquest, I've come over all pubersant in asking them out, and deciding where to go for a date.

How can someone, who has had no trouble being direct in asking for sex from cute guys in clubs, suddenly turn into a 14 year-old boy when it's someone I really want to spend more time with? Where's the justice?

Bouncable

2006-01-20T18:54:00.000Z

God knows what happened over the last week, but yesterday I started feeling more myself, and today I'm perfectly bouncable!

As I mentioned on Monday, I tend to get these black moods occasionally, yet this week was slightly more darker than usual. Anyway it wasn't as bad as I thought, completely over-reacted to everything and convinced myself that I had insulted nearly everyone I knew. Completely not me at all. Also after reading the completely bollocks I wrote on Monday, it's no surprise, next time I have a similar 'episode', as well as staying away from people like I usually do, I'll also stay away from here and my email account too.

Right back on track, so tonight it's off to the Doctor's for dinner, dancing and casual sex.

Thankfully I'm Bouncable to keep up.

Accepting the Blame

2006-01-17T19:35:00.000Z

In light of my post yesterday, and the continued sense of helplessness I'm feeling, I was brought back to reality by some emails from friends who I have upset in the last few weeks.

Clearly whatever I'm feeling at there moment has been a build up of frustrations and uncertainitly, which has resulted in me saying or typing things I don't really mean, or perhaps I do, it's hard to ascertain that the vileness that has been sprouting from me is what I really think or is it a way of distancing myself from everyone.

This has lead me to apologise to a number of people today, hopefully in some caes it's not too late, in others it may already be so.

Darkness Falls

2006-01-16T19:50:00.000Z

I'm currently sitting here with a glass of wine, locked away in a room listening to Opera...

....this is a very bad sign, there is a darkness falling over me as I write this.

Last time this happened, 4 years ago, I entered a very dark period, which ended with me in AA, and with months missing from my memory. I've seen the signs coming for a while, and should have done something sooner, it maybe too late this time.

For the last 2 weeks although keeping myself busy, I've been distancing myself from everyone, all my friends, all the things I enjoy, the people I enjoy. There is nothing new, I usually have small dark moods that last a couple of days, once a month, It's where I become difficult, emotional, really dark in my thoughts, but as long as I can focus on something good It can pass quickly. I like to think of them as my 'periods', they tend to be as regular, if manged right they allow me to live the rest of the month in a perky, joyfull fashion.

This time it's different, this might be one of my 4/5 year things that go far deeper than that, to places I really hate being. It's hard to control, my moods become more unmanagable, and there appears little prospect of hope in it all. There is always underlinign problems, usually work isn't going as well as I would like, currently true, I don't think the job at the moment suits me and it's time to move on. There is usually relationship issues at hand, yep we currently have those too.

The only way i can explain is that dispite being in a room full of people I can't help but feel completely alone. This weekend hasn't helped, what on Friday seemed so fuill of promise decended into me becoming quiet, inwood looking and unsure of myself.

Friday night was supposed to be going out with my flatrmate, instead we indulged in too many joints, and I ended up locking myself away unable to cope with being stoned in her company. People say that Marijuana isn't that dangerous, I've found lately that it's robbed me of my ambition, effort, happiness and sociability, not a good drug.

Then Saturday I went to the Opera, Barber of Seville, at the ROH, excellant, but again Opera no matter how comical always locks me in a completely different way, it's my alone music, what I need to be able to think, usually my 'Dark Night Music' hence the playing of again tonight. The timing was impecably wrong. Then on Sunday Aft I went to the Book Club meeting, I had been looking forward to that, and while at first I was slightly nervous, I was quite enthusiastic, before a large number turned up, while I can cope with them if I know at least 1 person, being in a room were they're all strangers completely overwhelmed me, and I spent most of the afternoon saying very little, if anything at all. I could see this happen, yet as the meeting went on longer and longer, the time that I was expected to chip in with my comments became longer and longer, till it got to a point were it would have been rediculous to contribute that late, and I had things to say, it's not that I didn't disagree with some of the views, it was just that I couldn't get it out there.

Finally last night, we had already arranged to go to see Brokeback Mountain on my return from the bookclub meeting, which in light of my growing darkenign mood on the train home from the meeting wasn't a good plan, but there you go. A serious of unfortuniate events while in the knowledge that this current mood isn't like the others have lead me to lock myself away with Opera, oh dear.

This isn't good at all, I shall have to pull myself out of this one somehow. The longer it goes on the worse I shall become. Last time took 5 months from me, I can't afford to lose 5 months again, there is no clear way out, just emerging darkness, which I shall be bogged down with for some time.

Gay Chav Love & Studded Chastity Belts

2006-01-13T16:40:00.000Z

It's been a busy few evenings this week, and as usual ther was drinks involved, thereby leaving me incapciatated to write up what's happened.

Firstly though, it looks like I've managed to sort out the iPod disaster, and finally look like getting my money back on the no show, so it's off tonight to he Apple store to pick one up in person.

Now Tuesday was my friend Steph's 40th, so we all trapsed into Greenwich to the Nelson for drinks and dinner. Of course I needed to get a present for Steph, and based on her '50+ women porn mag' she got me for Christmas, it needed to both delight and appall in equal measure. So at 5.30pm Tuesday I rushed to Soho hoping for some inspiration, whn I suddenly saw a book, which lead me directly to the present that was ideal.

So wih the gift wrapped up, off I went to the Nelson. Just as we sat down for dinner, after we ordered it as present giving time, and as my flatmates had dropped off their presen earlier, which was 40 bottles of wine, and the others didn't have any to give, it was just my present to hand over.

You can imagine the delight, when she opened it to reveal a leather studded chastity belt, with ajustable chains to fit all sizes. Of course after the inital shock, she was delighted, and after little encouragement took to wearing it immediatley.

So when the wine waiter turned up to pour our drinks, as he approached Steph she made sure that he got an eyefull of the garment. He loved it too, and it was no surprise when during the entire meal we seemed to be served by the entire staff and manager, all enjoying the belt. We also managed to clear the dining room within the hour too.

Still everyone at our table, and no doubt the pub had an enjoyable evening, and it's a birthday to remember. The only downside seems to be that I've agreed to go with Steph to Torture Garden in a couple of months time.

Then on Wednesday part of the Gay Mafia in work had an outing to 'A Beautiful Thing' at the Sound Theatre. Well I say theatre, but in reality it was the set and benches set up in one of their dancerooms. Still the small surroundings and closeness to the set and players made it very intimate, as if you were part of the estate yourself watching everything that was going on. The actors werre excellant, and due to the closeness you became emotionally involved in a way, that it's difficult to when there's a proper stage, making a barrier between the actors and the audience.

At one stage there is a fight between Jamie and his mother, which draws you in emotionally, I remember looking across at the audience opposite me, and seeing the majority of them having tears welling up in their eyes. Powerfull stuff.

If you've seen the film or the play previously and enjoyed it, please go and see this production, it will enhance you appreciation of a brilliant story.

Feeling fucking tired

2006-01-09T20:41:00.000Z

Today has been a exhusting, both phyically and mentally. I managed little sleep partly through this annoying cough I've had which seemed to take great delight in keeping me going all fucking night long, and the other through fear of sleeping through and being late for work due to the tube strike, which meant a hour and a quarter travel by bus to work, thatnks for that you selfish fuckers.

Of course this hasn't being helped today by a non eventfull day at work, the highlight of which was a 2 1/2 hbour meeting in which I struggled to stay awake.

Then to the delights of coming home, and finding that the iPod I had ordered from Ebay as a replacement for the one that was stolen still hasn't arrived a week after it was posted special delivery. So being in the gracious mode that I am at the moment, I attempted to retreive the payment I made though Paypal only to find that I cannot acces the paymant details, that while it seems I've paid, there is now no record of that, and so to replace the first iPod that a wanker decided to relieve me of before Chrstmas, has now been joined by a complete fuckingn arse, who has stolen the money that I've paid for the second one.

Thanks a fucking lot you wankers, I hope you rot in hell, at least that will be more satisfactory than when I get my hands on you.

Bastards!!!

p.s. when I'm rerally tired I tend to swear a lot. Fucking fuckity fuck!!

Lib Dem Turmoil

2006-01-07T17:42:00.000Z

I've just heard that Charles Kennedy has decided not to contest the Leadership of the Lib Dems.

This isn't a surprise, ever since last Thursday's announcement regarding his alcohol problem, and subsequent leadership race, his position became increasingly untenable.

As a Lib Dem member, I refrained from commentating on his announcement earlier, as I wanted to be able to allow him the chance to explain to me and the other members what he could offer to the party in continuing as leader.

While I'll acknowledge that he has done tremendously well in the past, I felt that recently he didn't seem to have the hunger for driving the party forward as he had in the past. In light of the Conservative leadership elections, which would have provided a boost for whoever was chosen leader, and the forthcoming Labour leadership contest/ shoe-in, the focus was always going to turn onto the Lib Dems and how Kennedy was reacting and what he was offering to the party and the general public.

This is not to say that the manner in which this has been conducted is appalling treatment, both before Christmas and especially within the last week. There are people within the party who have been encouraged by a frantic media to push things into the limelight that should have remained behind closed doors, be it confidence letters or an admission from Kennedy about his alcohol problem and treatment for that problem. The media, of course having a better than expected excitable Conservative leadership election, and with the knowledge that the Labour leadership question is still possibly 18 months away, wanted something to focus onto now, and the Lib Dems were perfectly poised for that.

The question about Charles Kennedy is now redundant, and the question about his alcohol problem and it's effect on his ability to do his duty, which shouldn't have been made public in the first place, as it was a personal issue he was dealing with at the time, is of concern no longer.

What needs to be determined now is that everyone will, regardless of the support for Kennedy or not, be able to unify behind the new leader. Yet the manner in the disposing of Kennedy, will leave indelible scars, which could be a lot longer to heal than the time it took to remove him.

New Year Resolutions

2006-01-07T13:32:00.000Z

Every year, like the majority of the population I attempt a resolution to inspire me to be a better person, and every year I fail.

Be it from stopping smoking, which I finally managed last year after stating that I wouldn't give up, or to try and not have a boyfriend, until I'm happier by myself, and end up having five last year.

Soi this year I've decided to have resolutions that are simpler to tackle, which requires effort, but only in a postive way. So no giving up things or people, this year my resolutions are:

1. To get in touch with friends I've lost contact with over the years. I'm extremelly bad at keeping in touch with people, especially once I've moved or changed jobs or social circles.

2. To learn/try something new every month, be it from learning Chinese, or Electronics, or going to Political meetings within my capacity as a Lib Dem member.

Although they seem quite simple, just by doing these two resolutions, I have every confidence that come next year I would have become a better person than I currently am, be it through knowledge or social interaction.

Catching Up with Christmas and the New Year

2006-01-05T17:01:00.000Z

This is a catch up over events that happened during the Christmas and New Year periods. I've been extremely busy in work and socially too, preventing me from updating this as much as I would like.

Because of this, my attempts to make this more of a diary than some post and comment blog is going to be punctuated by large empty pages. Although I still prefer this blog, my last one on 20six tended to centre on comments and therefore it was more about writing for your audience rather than for yourself, which is what this allows me to do, of course in the knowledge that people do occasionally read it.

There's a number of things to discuss, my trip home to Swansea before Christmas, the big day itself, New Year jinks and a number of other interesting events occuring inbetween involving doctors, bankers, thieves, drug addicts, priests, yoga instrutors and many more.

So after my last serious post, I took the next couple of weeks easy, trying to regain my strength and not exasperate the effect the virus had on me. This of course meant that I had to avoid Christmas shopping, and so did it all online, which was so easy, it's definately the same plan next year. Perhaps because of this, and also missing all eight of the office Christmas parties through illness and recovery, this year Christmas just didn't feel the same, there was no excitement, no anticipation, no desire for Christmas and all it entails.

It was with this appriention that I headed back to Swansea the week before, to see family and friends. Ever since I had to stay in London 4 years ago over Christmas, I've always preferred to stay up here and spend it with friends, rather than lock myself with the family in the house on top of the mountain, with no shops, pubs, social life, and little chance to meet up with my friends who still live there. Basically it boils down to 3 ddays locked away with my mother, who I love to pieces, but can drive me back to smoking within 6 hours if I'm not carefull, like the last time I went back.

The benefit of this year's visit was going to see my friend's babies, all of whom it's their first Christmas, and unlike in September when I went back, they're all now so much more aware of what's going on, and of course as with most babies first Christmas, there's a build up of excitement, not from the babies themselves, but all the adults surrounding them, just what i needed to get me into the spirit of things. Then there's the late night drinking with my non-paternal friends and all their amusing stories of the last 6 months. Of course no visit could be complete without the speed visiting of the family, I successfully managed seeing 26 members of the family, coveriing a 15 mile radius, drinking 6 cups of coffee, 3 Lagers, a G&T and 5 mince pies all within 5 hours. Fantastic!

So then it was back to London, and a excitable week in work as the clock ticked down to 5 days of wanton irresponsibility. Come Friday I was highly spirited and looking forward to the weekend prospects, I had arranged to go out clubbing, but first I had arranged to meet the doctor and his boyfriend the banker, which tunred out to be a meeting of mixed blessings, I really enjoyed their company alongside that of their friend and the doctor's sister, who happens to be a journalist for a worldwide paper, and also manages to live on a houseboat in docklands, untterly fascinating, then I discovered that my bag had been stolen, containing my ccredit cards and my iPod, what a bugger. Still I had somehow managed to get into such a good mood, that this didn't dampen my evening, and with the knowledge that I had at least stored my happy pills on my body headed into Vauxhall for a free party, which was great fun, before heading over to A:M alongside all the other pre Christmas clubbers into a nice fucked up funky feeling.

Before I know it, I was chilling out at a friend's fllat and discovered it was Christmas Eve. So I headed back to my house, suddenly realising that my bag was gone, and that I needed to call the credit card companies to cancel. Is there's one thing I've learned over this holiday period is that being on K, while trying to navigate the telephone systems of card companies isn't entirly suitable or productive. Thankfully my flatmates were more suitably sober to make their way through to actual people to whom I could report my loss. Still every cloud allows me to update my iPod to a new video version, with which i wait with bated breath.

Then it was dinner with the flatmates family and our friends in Greenwich, getting merrily drunk to build up to Midnight Mass. Dinner was lovely, if you're ever in Greenwich please do eat at the Bar Du Musee, what initally looks like a small bar apon entering suddenly expands at the rear into a large, gloomy anmospheric restaurant, where the meaning of musical chairs will explain itself. If you manage to obtain a decent chair the advise is to never leave it, not even for a bathroom break. After dinner it was present giving time, and as always with our friend Steph, it a game of who can get the tackiest present which can offend and amuse in equal quanities. I managed to disturb her date (which was their second and possibly last) by my gift to her of a Voodoo boyfriend doll, while see equally disturbed me with her gift of a porn magazine containing over 50 women. Speechless wasn't the word, a double scotch was needed before I could even contemplating speaking again.

Then as we staggered back to the house, a short nightcap was done, then off to Midnight Mass, always a tradition back in Swansea, always with the aim of reaching there after the pub as with the majoirty of the congregation. St Mary's in Brockley though seemed filled with a largely sober audience, although I had managed toi convince my flatmate's mother to join me. I've always enjoyed Midnight Mass, even during my anti church years, it's always summed up Christmas, and kick started the day for me personnally. The most pleasing thing afterwards was chatting to the new Father outside the Church, and discovering he's Irish, I've always preferred Irish Priests, they always make me feel more guilty, but in a good way, it's like being spanked verbally when they condem my sins.

Then it was back to the house for a well-deserved sleep, something I hadn't managed since Thursday night. Finally woke up around 11, and considering I was supposed to make breakfast for everyone staying at 10, was not a good time, although by the time I staggered downstairs and made coffee, eveyone else had already eaten, and were all getting prepared to go to the pub. So after a quick shower and change, we all jumped into the jeep, and went over to Greenwich park to see the sights and the deer. I've always enjoyed Greenwich park, and the view from the Observatory of the Thames skyline including St Paul's and the H of P are always impressive, and there was a large number of people enjoying it also. Then we all trapsed to the pub, and spent a good couple of hours there until my flatmate who had gone back to the house to prepare dinner came to collect us. Dinner was amazing, I'd like to say that my flatmate is an impressive cook, yet heating up pre cooked veg, turkey and beef from M&S doesn't really constitute as cooking does it?

Then it was the joys of present opening, usually I receive really nice presents from my family and friends, this year I seriously have to question whether they know me at all, or at least in any specific way. Apart from the porn mag, the other disappoints this year included my flatmates presents of a hot water bottle in the shape of a penis (they got me this as when they wanted one to borrow earlier this year, I didn't have one), the El Divo album ( they know I adore Opera, and it's for that reason alone why I dislike them so much, do I really want to listen to Unbreak my Heart in Italian sung by 3rd rate tenors), and Sharon Osbourne bio (while i like her cutty remarks on TV, not interested in where she came from).

Still there was always Trade to look forward to in the evening, and I was duly rescued from Trival Pursuit arguements at 10pm and whisked off to Trademills in North London for 10 hours of dancing, drugs, hot hot guys and general excitement. I've always liked Christmas Trade, it's busy without being too busy so you can't move, and the crowd are there to enjoy themselves, they're all happy as they've managed to escape from the family, or if not, then they're no longer alone on Christmas day. Fantastic!

Finally managed to get home on the Tuesday, having found myself back at my friend's P's on Boxing Day, and we had one of our rare but very enjoyable chats that discuss everything from physics to love to space travel while getting increasingly pissed. Then it was an early night, as I was back into work on the Wednesday, which is nice as it's quiet all the bosses are away, and we work half day's only.

Then on Wednesday evening it was round the doctor and banker's place for dinner, which was lovely, then we all chatted, I somehow managed to drink 2 bottles of red by myself, and we indulged a little in K, before we know it it was 2am, so we all trapsed to bed, where we managed (admittedly through the use of viagra) to have sex for 2 hours before crashing to sleep, and waking again at 7 to get to work. I have to say, although we're all clear on the rules of our mange-a-trois, I've never before enjoyed sex as i do when with these 2 guys, the sessions tend to last between 2-3 hours, and as there's 3 of us, you can always take a quick rest while the other 2 continue, then join back in whn you want. The other thing is that while I've been a top many times before, with these 2, I've been really enjoying it on a level I didn't think was possible, as someone who hasn't always wanted passionate sex all the time, this has enlightened me as to why that is appealing to some. I can't help but enjoy the whole thing, and I'm always smiling, and discussing the whole situation with my friends, completely pissing them all off with me, as it's the kind of situation most gay men would enjoy.

Then on Friday I recieved a call from my ex's boyfriend asking me to call round on him, as he's developed this coke problem which has escalated beyond control. It's no longer a weekend thing as a one off, it's every day, every hour, and this includes at work where I found out that the majority of the staff are taking coke all day as well. So I managed to track him down to a club and discussed the issue with him.

I've had my own problems with addiction in the past, so I know the lies you tell others and yourself, so while he was telling me that it's under control and that he was in rehab, I could tell that it was a lie, and so I walked away. The thing about addicts is that they need to be willing to accept their problem for anyone to help them, it was the case for me, and my friends who had been in similar positions. So a couple of hours later I saw him hanging outside the toilts and dragged him in with me, whereby I explained that he could lie to me as much as he liked, but he couldn't keep lying to himself, and if he wanted my help with his problem then I would do anything i could to help, but if h wasn't willing to admit his problem, and he felt I was interferring then he just had to ask me to stop and I would. He finally started to see what was happening, and while it may have been the start of him accepting, it was the constant support of all his other friends and boyfriend over the next few days that have finally made him realise what's he's done, and admit he needs help. Hopefully he'll do well, and with everyone behind him, I'm sure he will.

Then that leaves me to discuss New Years Day, which started the Friday at A:M, continues throughout the day at a friend's house, before going to an private party for a nice chilled out evening, then onto a club on New Years Day morning , and finally ending at 3am on Tuesday morning with only 5 hours total sleep since Thursday evening.

Needless to say this weekend will be spent realxing and catching up on all the sleep missed over the last 2 weeks.

My Leading Man....

2005-12-20T11:03:00.000Z

Having searched high and low for my Leading Man, I was less than amazed when the ideal one turned out to be Cary Grant. I've always adored Cary Grant, ever since I saw him in Hitchcock's 'To Catch a Thief', the charm, the wit, the dashing good looks. Phew!

Cary Grant
You scored 30% Bad Boy, 61% Classy-Cool, 68% Witty-Charming, and 49% Comic-Musical!

The epitome of wit, charm, good looks, and classy moves, your leading man is CARY GRANT.

Ok, so maybe I'm a little bit partial to Cary Grant, but LOOK at him! All he has to do is smile and I'm swooning! He's funny, clever; a catch no matter how you put it. True, he can be devious at times, but usually that's just when he's trying to steal the girl away from the less deserving man who's got her. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who wouldn't give in to his charms sooner or later anyway.

If you're a guy and you classify as Cary Grant, then you're definitely my type of guy!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on Bad Boy

You scored higher than 33% on Classy-Suave

You scored higher than 50% on Witty-Charming

You scored higher than 50% on Comic-Musical

Link: The Who's Your Leading Man Test written by spasafrass on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

How to Lose 10lbs in 4 Days

2005-12-12T14:19:00.000Z

Another period away from this mental diary, how I'll be able to remember what I've been up to in a few months time I'll never know...

Anyway, my reason for not updating last week was I managed to contract a virus that lead to my legs beign more or less useless, and lead to me losing 10lbs in 4 days, as it combined with a fever that I also managed to get. Now it's not as if I needed to lose the weight in the first place, I only weighed 10st 4 before, and that was all bones and muscles.

So after wasting 10lbs of muscle away I'm starting to look sraggy again, and currently don't have the energy to go to the gym to pile it back on, and just at the time when it was starting to look good. I had managed by last Friday, which was the first time I had noticd that I've been building them up, managed to cover my rib cage (which has been on show pretty much for ever), my shoulders and back were looking fantastic, and I had Abs coming through. Now it's all gone, well for now.

Still I managed to take advantage of the short time, that the muscles and I were together with, and met a very cute Doctor last Friday night, when out with friends at "Fiction at the Cross" in Kings Cross, who had the biggest tongue I've seen or felt, and a impish grin that just made me want to be so bad!

Unfortuniately he had a boyfriend, but I had an enjoyable time just fooling around. Then he and his boyfriend invited me back to theirs for a chillout, sure I thought why not.

I have never had such a good time with a couple ever. It was so enjoyable. The Doctor couldn't do much, as he had hurt his willy the previous week from too much masturbation, so as the only remaining top in the room I had to take care of both.

In all my time as a top, I have to say I've never enjoyed doing anybody including past boyfriends as much as the Doctor.

I believe we may meet up again in the future, well I hope so.

What have I been doing....

2005-11-29T10:26:00.000Z

It's been a considerable while since I was on here, even then it was a rehash of an old story I had pasted from a previous blog, my absence can be explained in many ways, the simplest being that I've been too busy building up a collection of anecdotes to be able to write them on here for my recollection in years to come and your current amusement.

Last week was eventful in a way that the previous seemed to just drift by aimlessly. I had even managed to take the weekend previous off (ie cancel all know and unknown appearances and party invitations) so that relaxation would be achievable. Although this was done by and large, and I had a enjoyable seclusion from the world and the human race, this was disturbed by a phone call at my home number (I had turned the mobile off to avoid temptation) from a friend who had cut her finger and wanted me to travel to Clapham to take her to the Hospital, under normal circumstances I probably would have, although by this time of 8pm, I had indulged in a fair quantity of 'herbal' cigarettes, and couldn't even face leaving the house let alone travelling an hour to Clapham via public transport, and then back up to St Guys A&E dept. Even though the incident wasn't as serious as initially explained, my calm achieved over the weekend had now disappeared, on a positive note though, my friend had her finger treated the next day with no complications by her work's first aider, in case you were worried.

I should have realised that from that moment on the week wouldn't be the same again, apart from now being extremely busy in work, as my dept had no merged with another dept, but we've gone from a collective 5 people on our depts managing, to just 2, and at the busiest time of the year when we're launching Spring collection. Anyway I digress from the more interesting parts... now I could put this into chronological order, but I've decided against that.

So on Monday morning I decided to put on my Mobile again, to find that 2 of my closest friend's who are dating, have argued at some point while out on Friday evening, things have been said, and people quite upset. This is backed by a serious of e-mails through the day more or less explaining in brief, what has occurred, who was there for the event, and what has happened subsequently. This cumulates in them splitting up (this time for good...well kind of) on Tuesday. This then leads to numerous conversations with them both, trying in part to understand where they're coming from and still appearing neutral, considering I've been in both their positions before, as one loves one more than the other, and so the one who loves the least gets feeling of guilt and frustration, while the other has mixed feelings of anger at the way they were treated and this love they can't stop.

Come Thursday, and I had already arranged to have dinner with one who finished the relationship, despite being the one who acted appallingly on Friday eve. So when the other rang to meet up the same evening, I mentioned where I was going, but that I could arrange drinks beforehand. Anyway, to cut this story down, I got a phone call from them both, stating that they had arranged to meet before I was to meet for dinner, and so cancel drinks and I'll just meet them both at the house. So when I arrived the one who had quite the relationship was now asking the other out again. Bizarre I know, but this is just another twist in a very complicated relationship that needs explaining at another time.

Well as a consequence of this tepid reconciliation, it meant that all 3 of us as arranged could attend the Sailing and Cruising Association laying up supper, for those of you unaware this is a sailing club populated by gay and Lesbian sailors, and while the jokes might be many, the members numbers aren't, which meant it was a small (approx. 200)intimate event, that was joyful and entertaining (no wonder due to the free alcohol available all night). There were many highlights, including my friend winning a pink Barbie umbrella so his solo crossing of the Atlantic, and the singing seamen.

Speaking of which, it reminds me of dinner with same friend on Thursday after he (ex)boyfriend had left, which was pleasant, and we discussed many things before deciding to embark to Vauxhall for Rude Boys, and I have no shame admitting it was my first time there, as I rarely venture out on a school night, but I had tremendous fun, and was delighted to discover in the next room from the bar and dance floor was a set of cubicles that had various spy holes for a variety of heighted men. It was an experience I shall probably try again, although I will try in light of the comment I received from one young gentleman I encountered "to show more enthusiasm". We finally staggered out about 4ish, before heading back to his for a chat and then bed. Friday was a fragile day, but as long as I don't make it a regular occurrence then I shall be able to cope again in the future.

All of this was a nice distraction from the other news that occurred last week, first that on the Monday I went to the doctors concerning a lump I had found in my testicles, I had noticed it a couple of weeks earlier, but chose as usual to ignore it, thinking that it would go away, only for it to grow double in size, so I accepted that the doctors was the place to go and off I went. I knew before that it wasn't cancer, as it didn't seem to be attached to the testicle, and was proved right, the doctor explained the problem briefly, then booked me an appointment for an ultrasound and more detailed examination in 3 weeks time, then mentioned that with this particular problem, there was an almost certainty that it would also lead to infertility. Now I know that as a gay man, having children didn't really play a big part in my future and to be truthful I've never been paternal in any way, but being told you can't have children even though you never wanted them, leaves you strangely disappointed. It means that the choice which I always had has now been taking away from me.

Cheer Up

2005-11-17T20:40:00.000Z

I've noticed that the last week or so that this blog has become depressive and angry.

While I'm like that occasionally and this blog is an expression of all the things I can't discuss with my friends, it's unfair for those that read this blog to have just the angry and moody Mr Haf, and all my friends to have the chirpy and smiley Mr Haf.

So to compensate, here's a story from my youth, a kind of realisation story as it were. Hopefully it will make you smile as much as it did me...

This is a story I had forgotten until a couple of
weeks ago during a post club party at my flat in
Brighton, we were all chatting (bitching in some
cases) about the evening, when someone mentioned about
that because they had been in the scouts they were
always organised and prepared, when I casually
announced that the Cubs had turned me gay. Of course
this random verbal statement made everyone laugh, and
someone questioned how that was possible, to which I
replied that I had gone on a Cub's Summer Camp for a
week and came back gay and with a certificate to prove
it. Well once the mocking laughter had died down, I
was asked to expand on my peculiar statement, so...

It all began back in the Summer of 1987, Maggie had
been just voted back in for a third time (a matter of
much cursing in my household), Jeffery 'Honest' Archer
had just won his Libel Trial, and Rudolf Hess was
found dead in Spandau, and more importantly I was
wondering whether I should leave Miss H R. for Miss H
M, as Miss H M friend Miss S R would only go out with
my friend J if I went out with Miss H M, so I can be
forgiven for not noticing the change in the air.

It was at this time that every boy in school was
actively participating in the Cub Scouts, we were all
eager young boys wanting fun and adventure, of course
sliding down inflatable water shoots and learning how
to tie a slip knot can only wear down a boy enthusiasm
for so long, so after attempting to highjack the Girl
Guides meetings and bow down to their Brown Owl, for
which I got a clip round the ear (this was when the
adults clipped the children and not the other way
round), we all stumbled into a cunning plan. There was
one boy who, using our inept skills at detection, we
had convinced ourselves was gay. We barracked him in
the way only small boys can, na na na na.... anyway,
it was during one of these intellectual discussions
about his sexual preferences, someone suggested we all
try it, all 20 of us. It was agreed that during the
Cub Scout Annual Summer Camp we would embark on this
enlightening and dangerous mission of trying out being
gay.

A couple of weeks later, we were all boarding the
coach along with 25 other boys and 4 adults to head
for some field near a river for the annual camp. We
arrived and after setting up the camp, the 'gay'
element headed for the nearest forest and the 'rules'
were established, we were spilt into pairs for the
week and it was agreed that we would indulge during
the evenings in the tents (which were holding 10 boys
each) and during the afternoon after lunch when we
would get an hour or so to explore the area. I ended
up with my friend J, who as one of the first in out
year to start puberty, and was exceptionally tall
(about 5'9, in comparison with my miniature 4'4).

So as the week progressed, I found myself enjoying the
'extra' activities more and more (I will refrain from
the glossier details), and then found myself actively
participating in all the 'regular' Cub activities with
glee, as I was trying to get through them as quickly
as possible to get to the 'extra' activities. Now the
leaders of course had no idea about our pledge or any
of the events surrounding that, including the sneaking
from tent to tent in the middle of the night to embark
on said activities, so my enthusiasm for all the tasks
were seen as my dedication to the Cubs and the Camp
activities.

So the week passes, and as on these occasions a small
ceremony and prize given is set up. Due to my
eagerness and whole-hearted dedication to the tasks
and activities (ahem!), I was awarded the top honour
of 'Cub of the Camp', hence my award and certificate.

So that's how the Cub's helped me become gay, and how
I have an award and certificate to remind me of my
'coming out' as it were.

Tie a Red Ribbon....

2005-11-17T14:09:00.000Z

Feeling Older and Helpless

2005-11-16T13:14:00.000Z

Monday was the day when I turned 28, and yet still managed to feel as helpless abound things as when I was 8.

Firstly I want to note that I had a fantastic weekend, enjoyable, naughty, excessive and unpredictable as all birthdays should be. I was enjoying my day tremendously, then a couple of friends and myself decided to visit the cinema and watched The Constant Gardener, and never have I entered the cinema feeling wonderful to leave two hours later feeling so disinclined about the world and what impact you can have.

If you've not seen the film it's based on a John Le Carre novel, who I've read quite a few of his books, and is proberbly more known for Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. The film centers around a diplomat and his wife and how her investigations into phamarcutical companies treated of the African people in drug trials lead to her death, and her husbands pursuit of investigating this.

As all films should, whether light-hearted or more intense, this film moved me completely, very rarely have I been moved to tears, more to do with the knowledge that although this is a film, that there are truths behind this fable, that are killing those that are believing we're protecting them, and even killing those that believe we're saving them.

My grandmother had a saying that "life is simple, only money and other people complicate it", and that's never more true than watching this film. Money has increasing corrupted people, as money has brought power, and with power comes fear of loss of power, which leads people to do dreadfully things to hold onto that, even if it involves hurting or killing other humans.

As I get older I become more frustrated at the injustices in the world and the wholesale corruption of the innocents by money and power, and can do nothing but despair at how it's going to end.

In Remembrance

2005-11-11T12:31:00.000Z

In light of my post yesterday, and as it's Armistice Day, I'd like to take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives to protect our freedoms.

Feeling Ashamed and Appalled

2005-11-10T13:58:00.000Z

Reading the views and comments made on the BBC website, and also those expressed in Newspapers, not just by politicians but also the general public, in response to the 90 day detention law being rejected yesterday, I have never felt so ashamed that the majority of the public feel it's ok to lose the freedoms and liberties that we were meant to protect in light of the terrorist attacks on July 7th.

I was on board the tube that exploded at Edgeware Road station, and even in light of that, I have never felt so strongly against a viewpoint for a very long time, in fact I was so incensed that I added my comment to the BBC website, something I've never done before, here's is the extended version of my comment, which has been cut to comply with their comment limits:

I'm appalled by the reaction of the majority of the newspapers and the public on this message board who feel that this is just based on Tony Blair’s popularity in the house. The law proposed of allowing suspects to be detained for 90 days without charge or information given as to their detention, based on suspicion of terrorist activities is abhorrent to our freedoms and ways of life.

As someone who was present on the Edgeware Road tube explosion on July 7th, and therefore a supposed victim of terrorism, I feel that there has been insufficient evidence presented by the police and security services over the need for a 90 day detention without charge. The police and in particular Ian Blair, need to understand that they are just the executors of the law, and not the law makers. That is passed to our elected MP's, who behaved in the right manner to protect our freedoms within this country.

I've never felt so ashamed of the reaction of the majority of the public in agreeing with the police and Tony Blair over allowing such a fundamental freedom of innocent until proven guilty to be eroded away, and to allow detention without explanation of the reasons for that.

The police already have sufficient laws to allow them to hold suspects to gather evidence for a charge, and should focus on gathering evidence more efficiently.

By rejecting this proposal the MP's have protected our freedoms and institutions, which the terrorists have tried and planned to remove. The public need to realise that the threat of our freedom in life no longer just comes from terrorists, but from those who are supposed to protect us.

Mr Lover Lover.....

2005-11-10T11:17:00.000Z

Having took a test that Slightly Lost found,

I've discovered that I'm a Loverman in a Relationship, perhaps it's true, although it also says that I'm successfull in all my relationships...does success include all my long term boyfriends leaving me for someone else?

FACT:You embody the German principle of Konstantzusammenschaft, which is best described in English (without using the obscure English word "sammenschaft") as "eternal togethermanship".

The Loverboy
Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMm)

Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships--as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

You've had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You're a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

Your exact opposite:
The Billy Goat

Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you'll get bored. And then instead of surprising him with flowers or a practical joke, you'll surprise him by leaving.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Billy Goat

CONSIDER: The Boy Next Door, The Loverboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: Mr_Haf

Cleansing

2005-11-08T14:59:00.000Z

Sometimes you have a weekend, whereby you manage to achieve everything you had planned on Friday afternoon, while waiting for the clock to tick down in work, and sometimes you do so much more.

It's these kind of weekends whereby you've managed to clean out all your old junk, cleansing not only your room space but also yourself, where you feel as if a lot has lifted from your shoulders just because you no longer have a pile of clothes at the bottom of your wardrobe waiting to be sorted, where you reinvigorate yourself by hanging those pictures you bought over a year ago to 'brighten up' the place, and where you reach your inner peace by dismantling the ancient computer that has caused you so much grief over the past 6 months.

If only you could manage this every weekend, then you would always face Mondays with a chipper attitude every week too.

Of course, the other consequence of cleaning your junk out, and making things clearer also means that you look at your life differently too, and as I'm due to celebrate my 28th year within the week, it means I've reached an age where you take stock a little and wonder how you managed to get where you are with considerable little effort.

Reaching 28, appears to be quite a milestone in a gay man's life, nearly all my gay friends are 28, and have been for some time, it's the age you reach, and stop counting, partly through fear of your "th**ties" and partly as it's the age where most of them realised that they needed to 'achieve' more in their life.

I was discussing this with my friend P on Sunday, after another night/day of dancing and deprivation, and while I've openly managed to achieve quite a lot, a degree, my own house in Swansea, a decent job with excellent pay and wonderful friends and family, I've done so without much effort on my part. Obviously there has been some effort, but I've got much more than I've been entitled too, and now I've reached that age where I know there's no rush in getting more, but I need to think about focussing on what I want to do, and how do I want to get that.

My only concern is that at this present time I'm so comfortable in what I've got, I've misplaced my ambition, and therefore have lost the goals I initially wanted in my youth.

The best part of this though is that with a clean conscience, and a clean slate, there are no limits to what I could achieve or in what my dreams can be.

I really like this chipperness, its fantastic!

That Friday Feeling

2005-11-04T15:18:00.000Z

Fridays are always so relaxed in work, there's an antipation about the weekend, everything that has to be done has been, and the drinks trolley is rattling around passing out wine or Bucks Fizz (made the proper way) alongside the snacks, and of course friday Cake.

Today though seems more joyfull than most, and it not down to something I can point my finger at, but a combination of many things that seemed to have gelled together to lighten the feeling in the office. Perhaps it's the bosses have been dragged to a strategy meeting, allowing all us smerfs to run riot, perhaps it's because in my dept of 'ladies dresses', our TV advertised lines, have arrived, and through a detailed analysis (i.e. everyone tried on the dress) it suited me the bst, maybe this is because I'm the only 6ft size 8 in the dept.

Yet if I had to pick one thing it must be down to the kissing vouchers that have been flooding the dept.

So to pass on the joys of Friday, here you go:

Remember it's Friday, it's 5 past 5, it's Crackerjack time!

Quiz - Does your Colour preference dictate your emotions?

2005-11-03T11:10:00.000Z

Well apparently it does, well for me anyway....

Give it a go:

Mr+Haf took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs a change in his circumstances or in his rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Old Loves and New Beginnings

2005-11-01T13:31:00.000Z

This weekend I went to Trade, as expected it was busy and filled with all my exes, now like the majority of gay men I've tended to stay friends with all my exes, partly as I'm quite amicable, and partly as the gay social circle within gay clubs and especially the Vauxhall area, is relatively small, so it makes more sense to get on with your relationships, rather than cut yourself off from everyone else.

Now, I'm quite happy chatting away with my exes, they're lovely guys, and the relationships have tended to fizzle out, rather than end in some explosion of hate. So this Sunday morning, I spent my time chatting to 2 in particular, firstly there was R, who is a very good friend of mine now, and with whom I spilt a year ago as he was in love with someone else, eventually they've managed to get together, and he too has become a friend of mine. Things seemed to b moving well for them, and they were set to move in together, when R got dumped on Thursday, of course he was terribly upset about it all, and I offered what words of comfort I could manage.

This though seems to have been a turning point in my relationship with R, we kind of dated for 6 months, and I was a lot more keen on him than he was on me, due to his love for this other guy, and despite my outwardly convictions of that it didn't matter what had happened between us, I was fine, where as in fact he was the 3rd guy that broke my heart. It took me a long time to realise that, and even when R stated dating P, which initially was a fragile relationship, I insisted that I had no feeling for R like I used to have, and even helped him and P get through their troubles. Despite all this I always knew that if they're relationship floundered and R asked me to get back with him, I'd probably would.

Yet on Sunday, while I was again dealing with the repercussions over this latest fallout, I realised that if he had asked me now, I couldn't date him again, I have strong feelings for R, but it's purely friendship, my previous feeling of passion have gone completely. I can't even manage to think of him in that way anymore. This is good, it has finally allowed me to move on, and in a way I've never felt I could before. Now I feel I can spend time in his company and not wonder about what might have been, r what will happen, it's just based on pure friendship, and wishing him well with his relationships. Hopefully he and P can resolve what just seem panicking nerves about commitment, and all that entails, and they can be the couple they can be, like I’ve seen them be before when it's just the two of them locked together.

The second ex J, is a bit more intriguing, I met J in Feb, and we spent a couple of months together, but this was one of the fizzle out relationships that I'm prone to. This is partly as about 5 weeks into a relationship I start wondering where it's going, how it's going to end, and if this is the one I want to spend time with? This was he case with J, when I met him we where in a club and He came and sat next to me, and I instantly started chatting to him and we got on really well, then he asked me to dance, and when he stood up, I found he was quite short, he only came up to my chest. As time went on I found him increasingly intriguing and lovely, but shallow as it sounds, I couldn't get over the height issue, and then in my typical way of dealing with failing relationships, I would cancel arrangements to meet, and reschedule dates and meetings until J got fed up and decided to end it once and for all.

We then went a couple of months without seeing each other as we were both quite busy, but then we met a couple of months again, and we spent time chatting and again I really liked him, but the height issue is the same again. Then we met on Sunday, and again I really liked him, but the height issue has seemed less important than it was previously, although now he has a boyfriend (which I admit, I felt a little jealous over), although he mentioned that this is ending as he is due to go to Australia travelling for a year in January, and after that he's getting married (as he's Indian he's having an arranged marriage) to a Lesbian. So as it stands as I've managed to get over one ex, I seem to be thinking more and more about another.

Maybe this is way the sun seems to shining a lot in the last couple of days?

Time Flies

2005-10-26T14:35:00.000Z

Well it's been a couple of weeks since my last post, and it's not because of a lack of things I wanted to comment about, but due to excessive business and social time constraints.

There's lots I wanted to discuss, like the fright my flatmate's elderly parents had, when a week ago last Saturday evening, they walked into the kitchen from a pleasant tea at the Ritz to be confronted with a 6'3 Drag Queen who happened to be with a friend of mine, who popped in on they're way to a party round the corner.

The subsequent party of which I only attended on a precursor that I wouldn't be enticed out any further, as I wanted to avoid going out clubbing for the weekend, to find myself coxed by the eight new gentlemen friends I made there to do so. Then to find myself surrounded by sweaty bounceable young men in Action's "Maze", being informed on the bouncibility of the Taiwanese.

Then there was appalling circumstances surrounding the Jody Dubrowski, and subsequent public backlash, both from the Gay press and the National titles, both trying to use this as an advocate of their beliefs before the poor lad had even been given a respectful funeral.

Of course there was also the non-drug fuelled Saturday night I experienced last weekend, which resulted in me turning back into the shy, retiring boy from my youth, being completely unable to think of how to start chatting up the guy I liked, despite being able to entice him over and embark in that 'I like you dance' wiggle-round-each-other thing that goes on.

Then if I wasn't as busy as a Queen Bee yesterday, I would have been able to post an entry on the research and findings discussed in the Guardian yesterday about how if you have your foreskin removed then you have a 60% less chance of getting HIV...

Yet I'm far too busy at the moment to go into all of that, so it'll have to wait until next time.

If by chance you do happen to read this entry and have an understanding on how I can publish my recommended blogs on my blog to save my grey cells from trying to remember what those amusing blogs are called, then please fill me in? Or just leave a comment on how to do it?

Thanks
x

The Curse

2005-10-12T23:24:00.000Z

Do you ever believe in curses? I never used to either, until a series of illnesses has swept our household.

I live in a 4 bedroom house in Brockley, It's owned by a gay couple I've lived with for 3 years now, and I was living with them in Charlton before they decided to sell up and by our current abode. They asked me to move with them, and having enjoyed my time with them over that year together in Charlton, and considering the hassle of moving separately and finding somewhere pleasant to live in, both in terms of premises and occupants, in London is extremely rare, so then I agreed. Of course it wasn't really much of a decision, I adore the guys I live with, although their only 6-7 years older than me, they have become my surrogate parents, always looking out for me, allowing me to confide in them, and when I've really needed help, almost desperately on a couple of occasions, they have always been there for me.

Comparing this against the guy I was sharing with before in West London, which was the first house I moved to, when I first arrived in London. Although at first he seemed ok, I was incredibly naive at the time. He helped me understand how you manage to live in London without a) being mugged or b) appearing to be a mugger. Well after about a year, he met a soldier through gaydar, my flatmate being 45 (although he only claimed to others to be 35) and the soldier being 20, which at the time was closer to my age, so both of us got on very well instantly. Then we discovered we had similar backgrounds and lots of other common interests. I have to admit initially I did fancy him, although because he was dating my flatmate, I decided not to peruse this. It was also at this time I started having a drink problem. This accelerated through the summer months, as did my flatmate's jealousy towards the soldier’s activities.

When I finally realised my drinking problem was getting out of hand, I asked my flatmate for his help. Now for me to ask for help is rare, and means I'm really in trouble, it was also that same evening that his jealousy and reached it's peak when the soldier wanted to go home with someone else he had met in a club that night. Later in the week, I was in the garden with the soldier discussing things, when he brought up my drink problem (I had asked my flatmate to be discrete about it), he asked me whether it was because I was in love with him and because he kept going off with other men. I couldn't believe this, my problem wasn't related to him, and I wasn't in love with him, so I asked where did he get this information from, only to be told that my flatmate had used my problem to vent his own frustrations due to his jealousy, and instead of saying he was unhappy about it, he had told the soldier my drink problem was because he kept playing away. So I moved out into the house in Charlton. By the way the soldier and I are still friends to this day, and I haven't spoken to my former flatmate since that day.

I've digressed, curses, anyway the house we now live in. I found out yesterday that one of my flatmates as just been diagnosed with Skin Cancer, this is following on this year from his partner's battle with Testicular Cancer, and our former housemates battle with alcohol addiction, my internal bleeding problems and another former housemate's liver problems. All of which came into effect after we had moved into the house, or the housemate's had. Does this mean that the house is cursed to inflict illness on the occupants, or is it just coincidence?

A Question of Passion

2005-10-06T21:05:00.000Z

Following my last post, I have to say I was impressed by the turnout, and I found it quite enlightening to demonstrate my views again, I haven't done so since University, when we would embark on continuous buses into London to protest against or for whatever event was happening, from Pro-abortion rallies to Anti Clause 28 protests, there were many and varied beliefs I had then, and I wasn't afraid to voice them in any way that would make them heard.

That was 7 years ago, and in that time, I like many of my fellow protestors from University have become bogged down in the world of employment, which means that there are few chances to leave work and join any protest you feel strongly about, or if they happen on a day when you are off, you always seem to have something 'more important' to do, like visit Ikea for 5 hours to pick up that Sleigh Bed you don't need instead of making the Government know your opposition to it's policy on Darfur where people don't even have beds.

Although I don't believe it's just the adjustment of time that's preventing us, it's also the increasing belief that no matter how many of us view our protests either for or against a policy, be it British or foreign, that the Government doesn't listen and continues as it like regardless. The prime example of his was the Anti Iraq war protests in 2003, which had no impact on the Governments position or that of a supposedly Opposition party (with the exception of the Lib Dems). Did I lose my passion for demonstrations when I realized that my generation in University (those who still had their fees and grants paid for by the state) were the last of those who took part in such things, did the next and current generations have too much concern for their own welfare, due in part to the pressure of results, grades and monetary issues than tackling Governments and organizations over their actions.

Is the apathy to demonstrating your views due to lack of action following these protests or is the lack of mass protests allowing these actions to continue without being questioned?

Recently I seem to have found the fire in my belly again as it were. I now regularly read the paper in the morning and I find myself becoming more disappointed, angry and displeased with what I read, and the actions being taken without respite for counter arguments. Why did I lose this for 7 years, and why now am I regaining my voice of opposition?

More importantly, will others regain their voice and use it, or will this resurgence in my passion for protest be as useful as sunglasses in a fog?

Stand Up for What you Believe In

2005-10-04T18:11:00.000Z

A few months ago, there was a great outcry within the Gay community and beyond regarding the execution of 2 Iranian teenagers, due to them being found guilty of being Gay.

Here's the story again: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/4725959.stm

Today at 1pm there is a protest outside of the Iranian Embassy, protesting against the Iranian policy of executing teenagers and their Laws against Gays. This is also a downstairs against the British Government's continued trade agreements with the Iranian Government in face of these archaic laws.

If you can make it, then please do so, the address is:

Embassy of Iran
16 Prince's Gate
London
SW7 1PT

Polite Arguments on Social Time Restraints

2005-09-30T20:16:00.000Z

Decisions, Decisions...

Sometimes life comes along, usually when your busy looking at some cute guys assets, and kicks you up the bum.

Today happens to be one of those days, this weekend I was intending to go to a friend's birthday party in Clapham, all was set, I had even (in a moment I can descibe now as flawed) allowed him to borrow my decks and even had agreed to play at his party. This was until Monday, when I recieved an e-mail from another friend of mine inviting me to his party in Herts as he is going to Austrailia for 6 months on Tuesday, it's at his bungalow in a remote village in the centre of a farm, surrounded by fields, so the chances of visiting both are slim, well non-exisitant really. So which do I go too?

Well on the Birthday Boy's plus side, he always has entertaining parties, I like a lot of his friends, he used to be an ex of mine, I gt to fiddle with my decks and make sure he doesn't swipe my records. On the negative side, he's likely to be completely f**ked within 2 hours of anyon getting there, it's likely to turn into some fifthy dirty kind of party with all those hormone driving gay men, he's accepted the fact that we don't date anymore, but is likely to take offence at anyone i chat to. He'll take offence if I don't show, as he did ask me first.

On the Austrailia-bound Boy plus side is that I won't see him again till he gets back in 6 months time, I've known him for longer, I haven't seen him or his friends since Brighton Pride, as we've all been away during August and September. They're parties are legandary as there's no neighbours for miles to complain about the nioise etc. On the negative side, I won't be able to sneak out to go clubbing if things start slowing down, it'll involve a 3 mile trek through fields to get there from the train station. He'll be disappointed if I don't go, but it won't be the end of the world.

Oh hell who am I kidding, Herts here we come!

p.s. There is something wrong with my keyboard, occasionally it misses e's, t's and w's, perhaps I'm not being forcefull enough wih my lft hand, so I apologise if the spelling appears to be incorrect, I know what I mean, and if you read this, hen hopefully you will too. Besides I'm not sure I'm committed enough to this blog yet to start proof-reading my entries.

Reasons why the Internet was invented....

2005-09-30T13:04:00.000Z

No 1:

To help us see though the fakeness of the world.

Example: http://www.sodall.co.uk/BBC/parody/index.htm

Introducions

2005-09-29T20:28:00.000Z

I'm not new to blogging, nor to this site, yet this is my first blog on this site.

There are many reasons for this new blog, the main and most interesting to anyone who choses to read this blog is that my previous blog on 20six has become widely read by friends of mine, including past exes, and as such I'm limited in what I can discuss or reveal wihout either a) offending someone or b) offending everyone.

So let's start with myself, I'm a 27 year-old- male living in South London, I've lived here for 4 years after moving from Swansea and I'm still intrigued by the complexities of London Etiquette or lack of it.

I work as a Merchandiser, which for those of you who are unaware what this entails, is basically just buying and selling, although I'm not in the glamourous role of picking the outfits themslves,. just deciding the quanity and price, so more of an accountant really. The company is a large organisaion well-known, and as such I cannot name, as som of my posts may seem detrimental at times.

I am gay, although that's pretty much inconsequential, as my realtionships end to be little cottage romances lasting a week or so.

Anyway till next time.