Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Desperately Seeking......

During the last few weeks, I've again tormented myself with the knowledge that I'm single, and apart from the brief interludes last year with Jay, Andy and Adam, all of which lasted about 4 weeks apiece, I have been for more than 2 years since Reg left me for Piers.

Life has moved on considerably since then, I've become more sure of myself, finally convincing myself that I have reasonable looks, although not pretty by any standard. Everyone comments that they can't understand why I'm single, as I'm 'so nice', but clearly they're not being as honest as they should.

On Gaydar, I'm always asked to provide more pictures, yet when I do, they never reply, even if we've flirted previously quite outrageously. It took me a while to realise that while I'm not picture perfect, I'm considered cute by some, as in person, I exclude a certain energy and aura, that makes me appear more desirable than a picture would.

There's a lot about me, that I've been afraid to share, and a this has led me to shy away from relationships as they progress, or on occasions, been so desperate for someone to share these hidden incidents, that I've come on too strong too quickly, and scared them off. Reg was an exception for me, I actually wasn't too bothered about him first of all, then he grew on me, until I felt that I had loved, the first since Ray left me for a barmaid during my Swansea days. His leaving me left a huge gap in my life, I felt empty again, and unloved by everyone, so I closed myself to sharing again.

Although this year, I've said that I wouldn't rush anything, and while there are a few boys in the picture, I've not pushed it too much, perhaps even being not pushy enough for them to realise my interest, well that's what I thought I was doing.

This weekend, I spent the majority of my time with the girls down the road, although they're lesbians, and previously I've been nervous around lesbians. I connected with a couple of them, during the early mornings while in a drug fuelled state. Yet while I could chat to Ange about everything, and we shared similar childhoods and other stories, which is the stuff that has prevented me from opening up to others. It was with Jen that I realised more about myself. She quite rightly pointed out that my facade about not looking for someone was false. She mentioned that she had been single for 4 years before meeting her girlfriend, and that she decided that she would be alone forever, which was what my feelings were. I had decided that my life was destined to end as a single person, never connecting with anyone again, and sharing my feelings of love and depair with anyone else.

Yet I realised that I am still looking, I am still desperately seeking someone to share my life with, and to say that I shouldn't be looking as I had tried to convince myself and others had tried to impose on me, just isn't working. I feel alone, and unsure of how to progress, I want to stop looking, as that, as the cliche states, is when someone will bound into my life to rescue me from my loneliness, yet I can't stop pretending to myself that this is true, how do you accept the fact that all those feelings of wanting to share your thoughts, desires, passions and uncertainties with someone else, and be there for them to tell you theirs. How to do you become passionless over a need to expose yourself deeply with another, and yet still be able to appreciate life and the world with wonder. There's no switch to turn this off and on, and I dread the time when if I could not feel a need, a passion, would life be interesting, would it still make me want to live it.

It's easy for those that have found people to offer advice about how to conduct your personal life, yet not everyone is the same, not everyone wants to feel dead to life, and not everyone can turn it off. So, what now, how do I manage this passion of life, this desperate need to share against the feeling of emptiness within.

p.s. I ended up sleeping with the Dr and bf again. tut! tut!, I really must control these urges, it will end ugly otherwise.