Thursday, March 30, 2006

Leaping

It's been a turbulant time in work recently, there are major changes afoot, including a loss of 25 people who currently do my job, out of a current 105.

The other thing is that the job is also changing for those that stay, whereas now my workload is taken up with analysing and assisiting buying with allocating and store communications, will now become purely allocating and store communicating.

I've always been in two minds about my job, the analysing I love, the allocating a bore, so with this is mind, I put myself up for voluntary redundacy, as yet to be confirmed. Now this week during consultation, the true reasons behind the change were annonced, whereas previously we were told that it was to improve the business, the directors set out how many they actually wanted to lose, and it was the job of the projct manager to relaise these figures, which is appalling treatment by a supposedly 'fair and respected employer', yet this isn't the only point of aner aainst the proposal. The business, as with many other offered a bonus on company and unit performance, which the business had achieved with ease this year, and hasn't happened for a number of years. This week is the last week of the fiancial year, and the directors hav stated that the bonus payments will be annonced on April 10th, but won't be paid till June 10th. With discussions of those facing redundacy it has come about that 1) as the company considers reducdacy as dismissal it won't pay, and 2) even if it decided to do so, the people facing redundacy would have to be here on June 10th.

Now everyone has worked long and hard to achieve bonus over the last year, and for once it will be paid, then they decide to make 25 people redundant and also stop them from reciving the bonus they've earned, but stating that they need to be employed by the company on June 10th, but they won't be as they're firing them, it's an appalling treatment of people who have worked hard for the company.

Anyway, on a more positve spin, I applied for the job I wanted as Marketing Analyst, and have an interview tomorrow, terribly nervous about it all, but i've spent the past week researching and revising, so I should be all set.

My personal life is as chaotic as ever, I took Ant to the girls leaving party last Friday, before he proceeded to get wasted, and was asked to leave. I really dont know how to feel about Ant, sober, he's lovely, funny, kind, attentive, wastd he's letchy, abusive, inconsiderate. What do I do aout it, I'm not conviced I have the aplitude to put up with his self destruction every time we go out, I need someone who is fine with who they are, and aren't hellbent on destroying themselves, it's not where I am personnally, although I am filled with guilt about the feeling this way.

This weeknd is Rhiannon's Christening, Ferdie is arriving from Nottingham, so it will be Rich, Ferds and I again, which hasn't happend for about 5 years now. I'm looking forward to it.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Desperately Seeking......

During the last few weeks, I've again tormented myself with the knowledge that I'm single, and apart from the brief interludes last year with Jay, Andy and Adam, all of which lasted about 4 weeks apiece, I have been for more than 2 years since Reg left me for Piers.

Life has moved on considerably since then, I've become more sure of myself, finally convincing myself that I have reasonable looks, although not pretty by any standard. Everyone comments that they can't understand why I'm single, as I'm 'so nice', but clearly they're not being as honest as they should.

On Gaydar, I'm always asked to provide more pictures, yet when I do, they never reply, even if we've flirted previously quite outrageously. It took me a while to realise that while I'm not picture perfect, I'm considered cute by some, as in person, I exclude a certain energy and aura, that makes me appear more desirable than a picture would.

There's a lot about me, that I've been afraid to share, and a this has led me to shy away from relationships as they progress, or on occasions, been so desperate for someone to share these hidden incidents, that I've come on too strong too quickly, and scared them off. Reg was an exception for me, I actually wasn't too bothered about him first of all, then he grew on me, until I felt that I had loved, the first since Ray left me for a barmaid during my Swansea days. His leaving me left a huge gap in my life, I felt empty again, and unloved by everyone, so I closed myself to sharing again.

Although this year, I've said that I wouldn't rush anything, and while there are a few boys in the picture, I've not pushed it too much, perhaps even being not pushy enough for them to realise my interest, well that's what I thought I was doing.

This weekend, I spent the majority of my time with the girls down the road, although they're lesbians, and previously I've been nervous around lesbians. I connected with a couple of them, during the early mornings while in a drug fuelled state. Yet while I could chat to Ange about everything, and we shared similar childhoods and other stories, which is the stuff that has prevented me from opening up to others. It was with Jen that I realised more about myself. She quite rightly pointed out that my facade about not looking for someone was false. She mentioned that she had been single for 4 years before meeting her girlfriend, and that she decided that she would be alone forever, which was what my feelings were. I had decided that my life was destined to end as a single person, never connecting with anyone again, and sharing my feelings of love and depair with anyone else.

Yet I realised that I am still looking, I am still desperately seeking someone to share my life with, and to say that I shouldn't be looking as I had tried to convince myself and others had tried to impose on me, just isn't working. I feel alone, and unsure of how to progress, I want to stop looking, as that, as the cliche states, is when someone will bound into my life to rescue me from my loneliness, yet I can't stop pretending to myself that this is true, how do you accept the fact that all those feelings of wanting to share your thoughts, desires, passions and uncertainties with someone else, and be there for them to tell you theirs. How to do you become passionless over a need to expose yourself deeply with another, and yet still be able to appreciate life and the world with wonder. There's no switch to turn this off and on, and I dread the time when if I could not feel a need, a passion, would life be interesting, would it still make me want to live it.

It's easy for those that have found people to offer advice about how to conduct your personal life, yet not everyone is the same, not everyone wants to feel dead to life, and not everyone can turn it off. So, what now, how do I manage this passion of life, this desperate need to share against the feeling of emptiness within.

p.s. I ended up sleeping with the Dr and bf again. tut! tut!, I really must control these urges, it will end ugly otherwise.

Cautious

It's been a number of weeks since my last entry, mainly as I've considered the possiblity of not using this site again. I started blogging years ago on 20six, using it as an electronic version of my diary, which I wrote since the age of 12. Yet the ability for others to leave comments meant that, I would in turn read their entries. This then meant that I would also leave comments, and conduct conversations viia the comments with other bloggers.

Before I knew it, I was writting entries to entice comments, rather than using it as intended to voice my inner thoughts which I couldn't explain in other ways. That was when I decided to stop using it, and eventually leave blogging all together. Then months later, I received an email from a young man called slightly, who commented that he had found my entries entertaining. So I decided to start again, fuelled by the desire to have my work read and praised, so I started this blog.

Then again I found myself commentating on others, and writting to attract comments, or feel as if it's being read, but that's not why I started blogging in the first place, so I need to start again, so I've turned the comments off, I no longer want to know if anyone reads this diary entry, it's not for you, it's for me, a place to put my thoughts. Explain things I want to remember, but can't tell anyone, as I don't have a partner, or don't want to give too much of myself away to others.

Friday, March 03, 2006

All Hail Ming The Merciless

It's been with growing apathy over the last 5 weeks that I've watched the Lib Dem leadership election.

From those dizzying and unexpected revelations concerning Charlie 'Just the One!' Kennedy, Mark 'Shit Hit the Bedspread' Oaten and Simon 'Not Me Guv'!' Hughes, it all stumbled into a nice but boring campaign. Even when all 3 candidates were on Question Time, not one of them seemed to eke any charisma or aptitude for relating to anyone other than die-in-the-wool Lib Dems who have been in the past mistaken (or maybe not) as the Sandal & Sock brigade. It was all 'Yes, I agree whole-heartedly with so-and-so, blah! blah! blah!' Where was the questioning which was to mark the party's new direction from being portrayed as all things to all people, and finally mark our ground on the major policies, which have been swamped by New Labour and the compassionate conservatives (with a small c) in recent years.

With such lacking discussions and a failure of the new breed of young forward-thinking Lib Dems, who are engulfing the party at every other level to stand for election, it was no surprise that 'Ming' Campbell won, it was also no surprise that Chris Huhne came second, partly for Hughes denial of being gay, then admitting being bi-sexual, which is different, but in a lot of people's eyes, myself included, if he had kept quiet about it, regardless of direct questions, he would have been respected more. Members didn't like being lied to, he should have known better. The other reason is that despite being grey haired, Huhne is one of the new breed, which is moving the party from it's central left position to a more acceptable belief in maintaining public services, without moving from encouraging business growth. If one of his brethin like Ed Davey, David Laws or Andrew George had run, then with their similar policies as Huhne and also Campbell, mixed with their more apparent charisma, they surely would have taken the leadership.

Well what's done is done, although based on this most bruising of contests, the result will only become apparent, in the weeks and years till the next General Election. Will 'Ming' live up to his namesake and become merciless in his approach and policies, or will he be more becalming and dodery as many will now seek to betray him, either way, does anyone really care anymore, or even taking notice.