Monday, January 16, 2006

Darkness Falls

I'm currently sitting here with a glass of wine, locked away in a room listening to Opera...

....this is a very bad sign, there is a darkness falling over me as I write this.

Last time this happened, 4 years ago, I entered a very dark period, which ended with me in AA, and with months missing from my memory. I've seen the signs coming for a while, and should have done something sooner, it maybe too late this time.

For the last 2 weeks although keeping myself busy, I've been distancing myself from everyone, all my friends, all the things I enjoy, the people I enjoy. There is nothing new, I usually have small dark moods that last a couple of days, once a month, It's where I become difficult, emotional, really dark in my thoughts, but as long as I can focus on something good It can pass quickly. I like to think of them as my 'periods', they tend to be as regular, if manged right they allow me to live the rest of the month in a perky, joyfull fashion.

This time it's different, this might be one of my 4/5 year things that go far deeper than that, to places I really hate being. It's hard to control, my moods become more unmanagable, and there appears little prospect of hope in it all. There is always underlinign problems, usually work isn't going as well as I would like, currently true, I don't think the job at the moment suits me and it's time to move on. There is usually relationship issues at hand, yep we currently have those too.

The only way i can explain is that dispite being in a room full of people I can't help but feel completely alone. This weekend hasn't helped, what on Friday seemed so fuill of promise decended into me becoming quiet, inwood looking and unsure of myself.

Friday night was supposed to be going out with my flatrmate, instead we indulged in too many joints, and I ended up locking myself away unable to cope with being stoned in her company. People say that Marijuana isn't that dangerous, I've found lately that it's robbed me of my ambition, effort, happiness and sociability, not a good drug.

Then Saturday I went to the Opera, Barber of Seville, at the ROH, excellant, but again Opera no matter how comical always locks me in a completely different way, it's my alone music, what I need to be able to think, usually my 'Dark Night Music' hence the playing of again tonight. The timing was impecably wrong. Then on Sunday Aft I went to the Book Club meeting, I had been looking forward to that, and while at first I was slightly nervous, I was quite enthusiastic, before a large number turned up, while I can cope with them if I know at least 1 person, being in a room were they're all strangers completely overwhelmed me, and I spent most of the afternoon saying very little, if anything at all. I could see this happen, yet as the meeting went on longer and longer, the time that I was expected to chip in with my comments became longer and longer, till it got to a point were it would have been rediculous to contribute that late, and I had things to say, it's not that I didn't disagree with some of the views, it was just that I couldn't get it out there.

Finally last night, we had already arranged to go to see Brokeback Mountain on my return from the bookclub meeting, which in light of my growing darkenign mood on the train home from the meeting wasn't a good plan, but there you go. A serious of unfortuniate events while in the knowledge that this current mood isn't like the others have lead me to lock myself away with Opera, oh dear.

This isn't good at all, I shall have to pull myself out of this one somehow. The longer it goes on the worse I shall become. Last time took 5 months from me, I can't afford to lose 5 months again, there is no clear way out, just emerging darkness, which I shall be bogged down with for some time.