Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Messing Up

Over the weekend, I went to a couple of R & P's party, which was an agalmation of many events, including their birthday, Chinese New Year, and housewarming.

Once there, I caught up again with A, whose I hadn't seen since before Christmas, or perhaps Christmas Trade, anyway, since then , he had been on a 3 week trek through Nepal, cumlutating in strolling over Everest.

We discussed his trip for a while, then I got dragged over to entertain others, but he looked well, tanned, rustic even.

Then come 6am, 20+ of us left at the party, decided to go to a after-hours club. While there, I met A again, who was a bit messy, so I sat him down and went looking for any cute guys.

A couple of hours later after managing to get my flatmate a safe taxi home, I discovered A still sat in the same place, but a bit more 'with it', and had a pleasent conversation with him. It was then I noticed that there was something about him, that had changed since he had been away, all for the better, perhaps he's found something, but it's definately something extra.

Now A, was an ex of P's, and I while I've known him for a while now, and like him personally, I've never thought of him as a potential date type person. Yet now I'm considering it.

There's a large amount of history between R, P, A and me, which involved, dating, splitting up, getting back together, leaving for others, splitting up, wanting to get back together, and the rest of it.

It all finished with R & P getting together for the 2nd/ 3rd time (I lost count), and making a go of it, which I supported, and so did A I believe.

Yet this leaves myself and A single, which we've both enjoyed seperately. Then on Sunday, as we were all chilling out in a Soho pub, after our 5 minute tour of the Portrait Gallery (catching all the Van Gogh's and the Monet), and scrumming through the throngs of people in Chinatown, I found myself flirtting with him quite outragouisly, and him responding, I had to back off slightly, as it all seemed too easy for us to fall into these partnerships.

As I'm still very good friends with R & P, in fact they're my cloest, I found myself getting concerned about what they're reacting would be, especially P's as he and A were very much in love, and how much of a mind-fuck it would be for everyone involved.

So I question myself on do I ask A out for a date, and see how things progress with a guy I now very much like, or do I stay away and keep things simple in the context they now are, following 2 years of hurt, rejection and love that it's taken all 4 of us to get here?

Friday, January 27, 2006


There have been a number of entries regarding the exposes of Mark Oaten and Simon Hughes involving gay chat lines and rent boys. Including an entry today by Zefrog, linked above.

Some of what's been said is correct, yet there's is a disparity between paying for sex, and hiring an escort. Now as a former escort, I never considered myself a rent boy, and a great many in the London area and beyond who currently are, and I'm friends with a couple who are escorts, would feel the same for the following reasons:

1. While I charged for my company, I never charged for sex only. Sex was an additional service that some escorts provide and some don't, it's was my choice, and usually it depended on the client, the money involved and my mood at the time.

2. Escorts, like I was, mainly tend to be used as someone who provides company to generally elderly clients. When I used to provide this service, I had to be able to hold a decent conversation and also have interests in opera, the theatre, the arts, literature, food and politics. Most escorts can adapt to suit any client, and therefore have to have wide ranging interests and abilities.

3. Escorts tend to decide to enter the profession, and due to the usually respectable clients, in part due to the higher costs they charge as opposed to rent boys, generally are drug free, which enables them to leave the profession when they choose to.

4. Rent boys, provide a purely sexual service, similar to female prostitutes, because of this, the prices they charge are less, they are more inclined to be drug addicts, usually to help them overcome their feelings of deprivation. This in turn leads them to continue being rent boys to feed their drug habits. While there are pimps in the same manner as there is in female prostitution, there are 'agencies' which operate to provide the services, and take a fee of the rent boy’s charges.

In general escorts are more discreet, knowledgeable, cultured and respectable. To place them in the same bracket as rent boys without acknowledging the difference is to underestimate the time and effort it takes to become a decent escort, whereas any man can become a rent boy.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My Chances of Leading the Lib Dems....

...have improved greatly over that last 2 weeks.

If it's not enough that they topple a leader who had 'alcohol problems', one of the candidates for the job was linked to gay escort stories, and now Simon Hughes has come out as bisexual.

Now as someone who has previously encompassed all three activites plus past drug offences (a la Cameron), surely that leaves me more qualified to lead the party than the others.

Now as some are aware I'm Gay, but I've previously been Bisexual, mainly between the ages of 15-19 of course, it was something I dabbled with, well women I dabbled with, a case similar to Clintons "trying dope but not inhaling" as it were.

Then between the ages of 18-21 I plied a small business as a gentleman's escort, which unlike a 'Rent Boy', meant I wasn't obiliged to have sex, yet if I wanted too, and they paid enough, then I would. I have no shame about this. It helped pay my way through college and Uni, and enabled me to buy a house, and earn good money for being in the company of proper gentlemen. Which allowed me to have a certain taste of the things I love, but which my friends had no interest in, like Opera, the Theatre, Literature and Arts.

The alcohol issue has already been discussed, that derived more from boredom and loneliness when I first moved to London. While it had it's drawbacks, the majority of the time was spent in a half dazed stuper, which as those who have been out on a Friday night will testify is not always a bad thing.

So the possibility of me being able to become leader is increasing everyday, all we need now is for Chris Huhne to be embroiled in a 'sheep & drug' incident, and the job's mine.

A Date

Following yesterday's post about my nerves regarding asking a young man out.

I remembered that yesterday was in fact St. Dwynwyn's Day, which is the Welsh version of St. Valentine's Day.

St. Dwynwyn was a young lady in the 5th century, who when stopped from loving the man she wanted, become a Nun instead, so while the rest of the world celebrates a the saint that represents the pairing of creatures, we in Wales celebrate love by promoting someone who decide on celebacy as a sign of true love.

Is it any wonder that the population is decling in Wales.

Still, feeling full of the feelings of misplaced passion, I took the plunge and asked the young man out to a party with me on Saturday. While he unfortuniately couldn't make it that day, we've arranged drinks next week as a alternitive.

Although he questionned my movements this week, I've decided to "play it cool" and not get myself all worked up and excited too early. So next week it is.

All I needed was a little courag, and an excuse to call, thanks Dwynwyn love.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


It's been a while since I've dated properly.

Usually it's just been sex dates which isn't the same thing, as there's less worry about if you'll won't get along and less concern about what happens if you end up in bed togther too quickly, as that's intntion from the arrangement through to completion.

In fact thinking about it, the last time I went on a proper date was last Febuary, which went well, until I realised how short he was (he came upto my navel - which some would argue was the perfect height).

Following on from last Friday's dinner with the Dr and his boyfriend, we came to the argreemnt that we would no longer have casual sex, and just have friendship, which is great, as it's stops everything getting too messy, and while we're still getting on as friends.

So I was pleased when following dinner and sex we all went out together and met up with one of their friends who turned out to be a charming young man, with similar interests as myself such as politics, Opera, diner and the Theatre, we chatted, swapped numbers and went our seperate ways.

Now as I haven't felt interested in someone like this for a long time, someone who intrigues me more as a person, than just a sexual conquest, I've come over all pubersant in asking them out, and deciding where to go for a date.

How can someone, who has had no trouble being direct in asking for sex from cute guys in clubs, suddenly turn into a 14 year-old boy when it's someone I really want to spend more time with? Where's the justice?

Friday, January 20, 2006


God knows what happened over the last week, but yesterday I started feeling more myself, and today I'm perfectly bouncable!

As I mentioned on Monday, I tend to get these black moods occasionally, yet this week was slightly more darker than usual. Anyway it wasn't as bad as I thought, completely over-reacted to everything and convinced myself that I had insulted nearly everyone I knew. Completely not me at all. Also after reading the completely bollocks I wrote on Monday, it's no surprise, next time I have a similar 'episode', as well as staying away from people like I usually do, I'll also stay away from here and my email account too.

Right back on track, so tonight it's off to the Doctor's for dinner, dancing and casual sex.

Thankfully I'm Bouncable to keep up.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Accepting the Blame

In light of my post yesterday, and the continued sense of helplessness I'm feeling, I was brought back to reality by some emails from friends who I have upset in the last few weeks.

Clearly whatever I'm feeling at there moment has been a build up of frustrations and uncertainitly, which has resulted in me saying or typing things I don't really mean, or perhaps I do, it's hard to ascertain that the vileness that has been sprouting from me is what I really think or is it a way of distancing myself from everyone.

This has lead me to apologise to a number of people today, hopefully in some caes it's not too late, in others it may already be so.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Darkness Falls

I'm currently sitting here with a glass of wine, locked away in a room listening to Opera...

....this is a very bad sign, there is a darkness falling over me as I write this.

Last time this happened, 4 years ago, I entered a very dark period, which ended with me in AA, and with months missing from my memory. I've seen the signs coming for a while, and should have done something sooner, it maybe too late this time.

For the last 2 weeks although keeping myself busy, I've been distancing myself from everyone, all my friends, all the things I enjoy, the people I enjoy. There is nothing new, I usually have small dark moods that last a couple of days, once a month, It's where I become difficult, emotional, really dark in my thoughts, but as long as I can focus on something good It can pass quickly. I like to think of them as my 'periods', they tend to be as regular, if manged right they allow me to live the rest of the month in a perky, joyfull fashion.

This time it's different, this might be one of my 4/5 year things that go far deeper than that, to places I really hate being. It's hard to control, my moods become more unmanagable, and there appears little prospect of hope in it all. There is always underlinign problems, usually work isn't going as well as I would like, currently true, I don't think the job at the moment suits me and it's time to move on. There is usually relationship issues at hand, yep we currently have those too.

The only way i can explain is that dispite being in a room full of people I can't help but feel completely alone. This weekend hasn't helped, what on Friday seemed so fuill of promise decended into me becoming quiet, inwood looking and unsure of myself.

Friday night was supposed to be going out with my flatrmate, instead we indulged in too many joints, and I ended up locking myself away unable to cope with being stoned in her company. People say that Marijuana isn't that dangerous, I've found lately that it's robbed me of my ambition, effort, happiness and sociability, not a good drug.

Then Saturday I went to the Opera, Barber of Seville, at the ROH, excellant, but again Opera no matter how comical always locks me in a completely different way, it's my alone music, what I need to be able to think, usually my 'Dark Night Music' hence the playing of again tonight. The timing was impecably wrong. Then on Sunday Aft I went to the Book Club meeting, I had been looking forward to that, and while at first I was slightly nervous, I was quite enthusiastic, before a large number turned up, while I can cope with them if I know at least 1 person, being in a room were they're all strangers completely overwhelmed me, and I spent most of the afternoon saying very little, if anything at all. I could see this happen, yet as the meeting went on longer and longer, the time that I was expected to chip in with my comments became longer and longer, till it got to a point were it would have been rediculous to contribute that late, and I had things to say, it's not that I didn't disagree with some of the views, it was just that I couldn't get it out there.

Finally last night, we had already arranged to go to see Brokeback Mountain on my return from the bookclub meeting, which in light of my growing darkenign mood on the train home from the meeting wasn't a good plan, but there you go. A serious of unfortuniate events while in the knowledge that this current mood isn't like the others have lead me to lock myself away with Opera, oh dear.

This isn't good at all, I shall have to pull myself out of this one somehow. The longer it goes on the worse I shall become. Last time took 5 months from me, I can't afford to lose 5 months again, there is no clear way out, just emerging darkness, which I shall be bogged down with for some time.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Gay Chav Love & Studded Chastity Belts

It's been a busy few evenings this week, and as usual ther was drinks involved, thereby leaving me incapciatated to write up what's happened.

Firstly though, it looks like I've managed to sort out the iPod disaster, and finally look like getting my money back on the no show, so it's off tonight to he Apple store to pick one up in person.

Now Tuesday was my friend Steph's 40th, so we all trapsed into Greenwich to the Nelson for drinks and dinner. Of course I needed to get a present for Steph, and based on her '50+ women porn mag' she got me for Christmas, it needed to both delight and appall in equal measure. So at 5.30pm Tuesday I rushed to Soho hoping for some inspiration, whn I suddenly saw a book, which lead me directly to the present that was ideal.

So wih the gift wrapped up, off I went to the Nelson. Just as we sat down for dinner, after we ordered it as present giving time, and as my flatmates had dropped off their presen earlier, which was 40 bottles of wine, and the others didn't have any to give, it was just my present to hand over.

You can imagine the delight, when she opened it to reveal a leather studded chastity belt, with ajustable chains to fit all sizes. Of course after the inital shock, she was delighted, and after little encouragement took to wearing it immediatley.

So when the wine waiter turned up to pour our drinks, as he approached Steph she made sure that he got an eyefull of the garment. He loved it too, and it was no surprise when during the entire meal we seemed to be served by the entire staff and manager, all enjoying the belt. We also managed to clear the dining room within the hour too.

Still everyone at our table, and no doubt the pub had an enjoyable evening, and it's a birthday to remember. The only downside seems to be that I've agreed to go with Steph to Torture Garden in a couple of months time.

Then on Wednesday part of the Gay Mafia in work had an outing to 'A Beautiful Thing' at the Sound Theatre. Well I say theatre, but in reality it was the set and benches set up in one of their dancerooms. Still the small surroundings and closeness to the set and players made it very intimate, as if you were part of the estate yourself watching everything that was going on. The actors werre excellant, and due to the closeness you became emotionally involved in a way, that it's difficult to when there's a proper stage, making a barrier between the actors and the audience.

At one stage there is a fight between Jamie and his mother, which draws you in emotionally, I remember looking across at the audience opposite me, and seeing the majority of them having tears welling up in their eyes. Powerfull stuff.

If you've seen the film or the play previously and enjoyed it, please go and see this production, it will enhance you appreciation of a brilliant story.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Feeling fucking tired

Today has been a exhusting, both phyically and mentally. I managed little sleep partly through this annoying cough I've had which seemed to take great delight in keeping me going all fucking night long, and the other through fear of sleeping through and being late for work due to the tube strike, which meant a hour and a quarter travel by bus to work, thatnks for that you selfish fuckers.

Of course this hasn't being helped today by a non eventfull day at work, the highlight of which was a 2 1/2 hbour meeting in which I struggled to stay awake.

Then to the delights of coming home, and finding that the iPod I had ordered from Ebay as a replacement for the one that was stolen still hasn't arrived a week after it was posted special delivery. So being in the gracious mode that I am at the moment, I attempted to retreive the payment I made though Paypal only to find that I cannot acces the paymant details, that while it seems I've paid, there is now no record of that, and so to replace the first iPod that a wanker decided to relieve me of before Chrstmas, has now been joined by a complete fuckingn arse, who has stolen the money that I've paid for the second one.

Thanks a fucking lot you wankers, I hope you rot in hell, at least that will be more satisfactory than when I get my hands on you.


p.s. when I'm rerally tired I tend to swear a lot. Fucking fuckity fuck!!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Lib Dem Turmoil

I've just heard that Charles Kennedy has decided not to contest the Leadership of the Lib Dems.

This isn't a surprise, ever since last Thursday's announcement regarding his alcohol problem, and subsequent leadership race, his position became increasingly untenable.

As a Lib Dem member, I refrained from commentating on his announcement earlier, as I wanted to be able to allow him the chance to explain to me and the other members what he could offer to the party in continuing as leader.

While I'll acknowledge that he has done tremendously well in the past, I felt that recently he didn't seem to have the hunger for driving the party forward as he had in the past. In light of the Conservative leadership elections, which would have provided a boost for whoever was chosen leader, and the forthcoming Labour leadership contest/ shoe-in, the focus was always going to turn onto the Lib Dems and how Kennedy was reacting and what he was offering to the party and the general public.

This is not to say that the manner in which this has been conducted is appalling treatment, both before Christmas and especially within the last week. There are people within the party who have been encouraged by a frantic media to push things into the limelight that should have remained behind closed doors, be it confidence letters or an admission from Kennedy about his alcohol problem and treatment for that problem. The media, of course having a better than expected excitable Conservative leadership election, and with the knowledge that the Labour leadership question is still possibly 18 months away, wanted something to focus onto now, and the Lib Dems were perfectly poised for that.

The question about Charles Kennedy is now redundant, and the question about his alcohol problem and it's effect on his ability to do his duty, which shouldn't have been made public in the first place, as it was a personal issue he was dealing with at the time, is of concern no longer.

What needs to be determined now is that everyone will, regardless of the support for Kennedy or not, be able to unify behind the new leader. Yet the manner in the disposing of Kennedy, will leave indelible scars, which could be a lot longer to heal than the time it took to remove him.

New Year Resolutions

Every year, like the majority of the population I attempt a resolution to inspire me to be a better person, and every year I fail.

Be it from stopping smoking, which I finally managed last year after stating that I wouldn't give up, or to try and not have a boyfriend, until I'm happier by myself, and end up having five last year.

Soi this year I've decided to have resolutions that are simpler to tackle, which requires effort, but only in a postive way. So no giving up things or people, this year my resolutions are:

1. To get in touch with friends I've lost contact with over the years. I'm extremelly bad at keeping in touch with people, especially once I've moved or changed jobs or social circles.

2. To learn/try something new every month, be it from learning Chinese, or Electronics, or going to Political meetings within my capacity as a Lib Dem member.

Although they seem quite simple, just by doing these two resolutions, I have every confidence that come next year I would have become a better person than I currently am, be it through knowledge or social interaction.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Catching Up with Christmas and the New Year

This is a catch up over events that happened during the Christmas and New Year periods. I've been extremely busy in work and socially too, preventing me from updating this as much as I would like.

Because of this, my attempts to make this more of a diary than some post and comment blog is going to be punctuated by large empty pages. Although I still prefer this blog, my last one on 20six tended to centre on comments and therefore it was more about writing for your audience rather than for yourself, which is what this allows me to do, of course in the knowledge that people do occasionally read it.

There's a number of things to discuss, my trip home to Swansea before Christmas, the big day itself, New Year jinks and a number of other interesting events occuring inbetween involving doctors, bankers, thieves, drug addicts, priests, yoga instrutors and many more.

So after my last serious post, I took the next couple of weeks easy, trying to regain my strength and not exasperate the effect the virus had on me. This of course meant that I had to avoid Christmas shopping, and so did it all online, which was so easy, it's definately the same plan next year. Perhaps because of this, and also missing all eight of the office Christmas parties through illness and recovery, this year Christmas just didn't feel the same, there was no excitement, no anticipation, no desire for Christmas and all it entails.

It was with this appriention that I headed back to Swansea the week before, to see family and friends. Ever since I had to stay in London 4 years ago over Christmas, I've always preferred to stay up here and spend it with friends, rather than lock myself with the family in the house on top of the mountain, with no shops, pubs, social life, and little chance to meet up with my friends who still live there. Basically it boils down to 3 ddays locked away with my mother, who I love to pieces, but can drive me back to smoking within 6 hours if I'm not carefull, like the last time I went back.

The benefit of this year's visit was going to see my friend's babies, all of whom it's their first Christmas, and unlike in September when I went back, they're all now so much more aware of what's going on, and of course as with most babies first Christmas, there's a build up of excitement, not from the babies themselves, but all the adults surrounding them, just what i needed to get me into the spirit of things. Then there's the late night drinking with my non-paternal friends and all their amusing stories of the last 6 months. Of course no visit could be complete without the speed visiting of the family, I successfully managed seeing 26 members of the family, coveriing a 15 mile radius, drinking 6 cups of coffee, 3 Lagers, a G&T and 5 mince pies all within 5 hours. Fantastic!

So then it was back to London, and a excitable week in work as the clock ticked down to 5 days of wanton irresponsibility. Come Friday I was highly spirited and looking forward to the weekend prospects, I had arranged to go out clubbing, but first I had arranged to meet the doctor and his boyfriend the banker, which tunred out to be a meeting of mixed blessings, I really enjoyed their company alongside that of their friend and the doctor's sister, who happens to be a journalist for a worldwide paper, and also manages to live on a houseboat in docklands, untterly fascinating, then I discovered that my bag had been stolen, containing my ccredit cards and my iPod, what a bugger. Still I had somehow managed to get into such a good mood, that this didn't dampen my evening, and with the knowledge that I had at least stored my happy pills on my body headed into Vauxhall for a free party, which was great fun, before heading over to A:M alongside all the other pre Christmas clubbers into a nice fucked up funky feeling.

Before I know it, I was chilling out at a friend's fllat and discovered it was Christmas Eve. So I headed back to my house, suddenly realising that my bag was gone, and that I needed to call the credit card companies to cancel. Is there's one thing I've learned over this holiday period is that being on K, while trying to navigate the telephone systems of card companies isn't entirly suitable or productive. Thankfully my flatmates were more suitably sober to make their way through to actual people to whom I could report my loss. Still every cloud allows me to update my iPod to a new video version, with which i wait with bated breath.

Then it was dinner with the flatmates family and our friends in Greenwich, getting merrily drunk to build up to Midnight Mass. Dinner was lovely, if you're ever in Greenwich please do eat at the Bar Du Musee, what initally looks like a small bar apon entering suddenly expands at the rear into a large, gloomy anmospheric restaurant, where the meaning of musical chairs will explain itself. If you manage to obtain a decent chair the advise is to never leave it, not even for a bathroom break. After dinner it was present giving time, and as always with our friend Steph, it a game of who can get the tackiest present which can offend and amuse in equal quanities. I managed to disturb her date (which was their second and possibly last) by my gift to her of a Voodoo boyfriend doll, while see equally disturbed me with her gift of a porn magazine containing over 50 women. Speechless wasn't the word, a double scotch was needed before I could even contemplating speaking again.

Then as we staggered back to the house, a short nightcap was done, then off to Midnight Mass, always a tradition back in Swansea, always with the aim of reaching there after the pub as with the majoirty of the congregation. St Mary's in Brockley though seemed filled with a largely sober audience, although I had managed toi convince my flatmate's mother to join me. I've always enjoyed Midnight Mass, even during my anti church years, it's always summed up Christmas, and kick started the day for me personnally. The most pleasing thing afterwards was chatting to the new Father outside the Church, and discovering he's Irish, I've always preferred Irish Priests, they always make me feel more guilty, but in a good way, it's like being spanked verbally when they condem my sins.

Then it was back to the house for a well-deserved sleep, something I hadn't managed since Thursday night. Finally woke up around 11, and considering I was supposed to make breakfast for everyone staying at 10, was not a good time, although by the time I staggered downstairs and made coffee, eveyone else had already eaten, and were all getting prepared to go to the pub. So after a quick shower and change, we all jumped into the jeep, and went over to Greenwich park to see the sights and the deer. I've always enjoyed Greenwich park, and the view from the Observatory of the Thames skyline including St Paul's and the H of P are always impressive, and there was a large number of people enjoying it also. Then we all trapsed to the pub, and spent a good couple of hours there until my flatmate who had gone back to the house to prepare dinner came to collect us. Dinner was amazing, I'd like to say that my flatmate is an impressive cook, yet heating up pre cooked veg, turkey and beef from M&S doesn't really constitute as cooking does it?

Then it was the joys of present opening, usually I receive really nice presents from my family and friends, this year I seriously have to question whether they know me at all, or at least in any specific way. Apart from the porn mag, the other disappoints this year included my flatmates presents of a hot water bottle in the shape of a penis (they got me this as when they wanted one to borrow earlier this year, I didn't have one), the El Divo album ( they know I adore Opera, and it's for that reason alone why I dislike them so much, do I really want to listen to Unbreak my Heart in Italian sung by 3rd rate tenors), and Sharon Osbourne bio (while i like her cutty remarks on TV, not interested in where she came from).

Still there was always Trade to look forward to in the evening, and I was duly rescued from Trival Pursuit arguements at 10pm and whisked off to Trademills in North London for 10 hours of dancing, drugs, hot hot guys and general excitement. I've always liked Christmas Trade, it's busy without being too busy so you can't move, and the crowd are there to enjoy themselves, they're all happy as they've managed to escape from the family, or if not, then they're no longer alone on Christmas day. Fantastic!

Finally managed to get home on the Tuesday, having found myself back at my friend's P's on Boxing Day, and we had one of our rare but very enjoyable chats that discuss everything from physics to love to space travel while getting increasingly pissed. Then it was an early night, as I was back into work on the Wednesday, which is nice as it's quiet all the bosses are away, and we work half day's only.

Then on Wednesday evening it was round the doctor and banker's place for dinner, which was lovely, then we all chatted, I somehow managed to drink 2 bottles of red by myself, and we indulged a little in K, before we know it it was 2am, so we all trapsed to bed, where we managed (admittedly through the use of viagra) to have sex for 2 hours before crashing to sleep, and waking again at 7 to get to work. I have to say, although we're all clear on the rules of our mange-a-trois, I've never before enjoyed sex as i do when with these 2 guys, the sessions tend to last between 2-3 hours, and as there's 3 of us, you can always take a quick rest while the other 2 continue, then join back in whn you want. The other thing is that while I've been a top many times before, with these 2, I've been really enjoying it on a level I didn't think was possible, as someone who hasn't always wanted passionate sex all the time, this has enlightened me as to why that is appealing to some. I can't help but enjoy the whole thing, and I'm always smiling, and discussing the whole situation with my friends, completely pissing them all off with me, as it's the kind of situation most gay men would enjoy.

Then on Friday I recieved a call from my ex's boyfriend asking me to call round on him, as he's developed this coke problem which has escalated beyond control. It's no longer a weekend thing as a one off, it's every day, every hour, and this includes at work where I found out that the majority of the staff are taking coke all day as well. So I managed to track him down to a club and discussed the issue with him.

I've had my own problems with addiction in the past, so I know the lies you tell others and yourself, so while he was telling me that it's under control and that he was in rehab, I could tell that it was a lie, and so I walked away. The thing about addicts is that they need to be willing to accept their problem for anyone to help them, it was the case for me, and my friends who had been in similar positions. So a couple of hours later I saw him hanging outside the toilts and dragged him in with me, whereby I explained that he could lie to me as much as he liked, but he couldn't keep lying to himself, and if he wanted my help with his problem then I would do anything i could to help, but if h wasn't willing to admit his problem, and he felt I was interferring then he just had to ask me to stop and I would. He finally started to see what was happening, and while it may have been the start of him accepting, it was the constant support of all his other friends and boyfriend over the next few days that have finally made him realise what's he's done, and admit he needs help. Hopefully he'll do well, and with everyone behind him, I'm sure he will.

Then that leaves me to discuss New Years Day, which started the Friday at A:M, continues throughout the day at a friend's house, before going to an private party for a nice chilled out evening, then onto a club on New Years Day morning , and finally ending at 3am on Tuesday morning with only 5 hours total sleep since Thursday evening.

Needless to say this weekend will be spent realxing and catching up on all the sleep missed over the last 2 weeks.