Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Old Loves and New Beginnings

This weekend I went to Trade, as expected it was busy and filled with all my exes, now like the majority of gay men I've tended to stay friends with all my exes, partly as I'm quite amicable, and partly as the gay social circle within gay clubs and especially the Vauxhall area, is relatively small, so it makes more sense to get on with your relationships, rather than cut yourself off from everyone else.

Now, I'm quite happy chatting away with my exes, they're lovely guys, and the relationships have tended to fizzle out, rather than end in some explosion of hate. So this Sunday morning, I spent my time chatting to 2 in particular, firstly there was R, who is a very good friend of mine now, and with whom I spilt a year ago as he was in love with someone else, eventually they've managed to get together, and he too has become a friend of mine. Things seemed to b moving well for them, and they were set to move in together, when R got dumped on Thursday, of course he was terribly upset about it all, and I offered what words of comfort I could manage.

This though seems to have been a turning point in my relationship with R, we kind of dated for 6 months, and I was a lot more keen on him than he was on me, due to his love for this other guy, and despite my outwardly convictions of that it didn't matter what had happened between us, I was fine, where as in fact he was the 3rd guy that broke my heart. It took me a long time to realise that, and even when R stated dating P, which initially was a fragile relationship, I insisted that I had no feeling for R like I used to have, and even helped him and P get through their troubles. Despite all this I always knew that if they're relationship floundered and R asked me to get back with him, I'd probably would.

Yet on Sunday, while I was again dealing with the repercussions over this latest fallout, I realised that if he had asked me now, I couldn't date him again, I have strong feelings for R, but it's purely friendship, my previous feeling of passion have gone completely. I can't even manage to think of him in that way anymore. This is good, it has finally allowed me to move on, and in a way I've never felt I could before. Now I feel I can spend time in his company and not wonder about what might have been, r what will happen, it's just based on pure friendship, and wishing him well with his relationships. Hopefully he and P can resolve what just seem panicking nerves about commitment, and all that entails, and they can be the couple they can be, like I’ve seen them be before when it's just the two of them locked together.

The second ex J, is a bit more intriguing, I met J in Feb, and we spent a couple of months together, but this was one of the fizzle out relationships that I'm prone to. This is partly as about 5 weeks into a relationship I start wondering where it's going, how it's going to end, and if this is the one I want to spend time with? This was he case with J, when I met him we where in a club and He came and sat next to me, and I instantly started chatting to him and we got on really well, then he asked me to dance, and when he stood up, I found he was quite short, he only came up to my chest. As time went on I found him increasingly intriguing and lovely, but shallow as it sounds, I couldn't get over the height issue, and then in my typical way of dealing with failing relationships, I would cancel arrangements to meet, and reschedule dates and meetings until J got fed up and decided to end it once and for all.

We then went a couple of months without seeing each other as we were both quite busy, but then we met a couple of months again, and we spent time chatting and again I really liked him, but the height issue is the same again. Then we met on Sunday, and again I really liked him, but the height issue has seemed less important than it was previously, although now he has a boyfriend (which I admit, I felt a little jealous over), although he mentioned that this is ending as he is due to go to Australia travelling for a year in January, and after that he's getting married (as he's Indian he's having an arranged marriage) to a Lesbian. So as it stands as I've managed to get over one ex, I seem to be thinking more and more about another.

Maybe this is way the sun seems to shining a lot in the last couple of days?