Tuesday, November 29, 2005

What have I been doing....

It's been a considerable while since I was on here, even then it was a rehash of an old story I had pasted from a previous blog, my absence can be explained in many ways, the simplest being that I've been too busy building up a collection of anecdotes to be able to write them on here for my recollection in years to come and your current amusement.

Last week was eventful in a way that the previous seemed to just drift by aimlessly. I had even managed to take the weekend previous off (ie cancel all know and unknown appearances and party invitations) so that relaxation would be achievable. Although this was done by and large, and I had a enjoyable seclusion from the world and the human race, this was disturbed by a phone call at my home number (I had turned the mobile off to avoid temptation) from a friend who had cut her finger and wanted me to travel to Clapham to take her to the Hospital, under normal circumstances I probably would have, although by this time of 8pm, I had indulged in a fair quantity of 'herbal' cigarettes, and couldn't even face leaving the house let alone travelling an hour to Clapham via public transport, and then back up to St Guys A&E dept. Even though the incident wasn't as serious as initially explained, my calm achieved over the weekend had now disappeared, on a positive note though, my friend had her finger treated the next day with no complications by her work's first aider, in case you were worried.

I should have realised that from that moment on the week wouldn't be the same again, apart from now being extremely busy in work, as my dept had no merged with another dept, but we've gone from a collective 5 people on our depts managing, to just 2, and at the busiest time of the year when we're launching Spring collection. Anyway I digress from the more interesting parts... now I could put this into chronological order, but I've decided against that.

So on Monday morning I decided to put on my Mobile again, to find that 2 of my closest friend's who are dating, have argued at some point while out on Friday evening, things have been said, and people quite upset. This is backed by a serious of e-mails through the day more or less explaining in brief, what has occurred, who was there for the event, and what has happened subsequently. This cumulates in them splitting up (this time for good...well kind of) on Tuesday. This then leads to numerous conversations with them both, trying in part to understand where they're coming from and still appearing neutral, considering I've been in both their positions before, as one loves one more than the other, and so the one who loves the least gets feeling of guilt and frustration, while the other has mixed feelings of anger at the way they were treated and this love they can't stop.

Come Thursday, and I had already arranged to have dinner with one who finished the relationship, despite being the one who acted appallingly on Friday eve. So when the other rang to meet up the same evening, I mentioned where I was going, but that I could arrange drinks beforehand. Anyway, to cut this story down, I got a phone call from them both, stating that they had arranged to meet before I was to meet for dinner, and so cancel drinks and I'll just meet them both at the house. So when I arrived the one who had quite the relationship was now asking the other out again. Bizarre I know, but this is just another twist in a very complicated relationship that needs explaining at another time.

Well as a consequence of this tepid reconciliation, it meant that all 3 of us as arranged could attend the Sailing and Cruising Association laying up supper, for those of you unaware this is a sailing club populated by gay and Lesbian sailors, and while the jokes might be many, the members numbers aren't, which meant it was a small (approx. 200)intimate event, that was joyful and entertaining (no wonder due to the free alcohol available all night). There were many highlights, including my friend winning a pink Barbie umbrella so his solo crossing of the Atlantic, and the singing seamen.

Speaking of which, it reminds me of dinner with same friend on Thursday after he (ex)boyfriend had left, which was pleasant, and we discussed many things before deciding to embark to Vauxhall for Rude Boys, and I have no shame admitting it was my first time there, as I rarely venture out on a school night, but I had tremendous fun, and was delighted to discover in the next room from the bar and dance floor was a set of cubicles that had various spy holes for a variety of heighted men. It was an experience I shall probably try again, although I will try in light of the comment I received from one young gentleman I encountered "to show more enthusiasm". We finally staggered out about 4ish, before heading back to his for a chat and then bed. Friday was a fragile day, but as long as I don't make it a regular occurrence then I shall be able to cope again in the future.

All of this was a nice distraction from the other news that occurred last week, first that on the Monday I went to the doctors concerning a lump I had found in my testicles, I had noticed it a couple of weeks earlier, but chose as usual to ignore it, thinking that it would go away, only for it to grow double in size, so I accepted that the doctors was the place to go and off I went. I knew before that it wasn't cancer, as it didn't seem to be attached to the testicle, and was proved right, the doctor explained the problem briefly, then booked me an appointment for an ultrasound and more detailed examination in 3 weeks time, then mentioned that with this particular problem, there was an almost certainty that it would also lead to infertility. Now I know that as a gay man, having children didn't really play a big part in my future and to be truthful I've never been paternal in any way, but being told you can't have children even though you never wanted them, leaves you strangely disappointed. It means that the choice which I always had has now been taking away from me.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Cheer Up

I've noticed that the last week or so that this blog has become depressive and angry.

While I'm like that occasionally and this blog is an expression of all the things I can't discuss with my friends, it's unfair for those that read this blog to have just the angry and moody Mr Haf, and all my friends to have the chirpy and smiley Mr Haf.

So to compensate, here's a story from my youth, a kind of realisation story as it were. Hopefully it will make you smile as much as it did me...



This is a story I had forgotten until a couple of
weeks ago during a post club party at my flat in
Brighton, we were all chatting (bitching in some
cases) about the evening, when someone mentioned about
that because they had been in the scouts they were
always organised and prepared, when I casually
announced that the Cubs had turned me gay. Of course
this random verbal statement made everyone laugh, and
someone questioned how that was possible, to which I
replied that I had gone on a Cub's Summer Camp for a
week and came back gay and with a certificate to prove
it. Well once the mocking laughter had died down, I
was asked to expand on my peculiar statement, so...

It all began back in the Summer of 1987, Maggie had
been just voted back in for a third time (a matter of
much cursing in my household), Jeffery 'Honest' Archer
had just won his Libel Trial, and Rudolf Hess was
found dead in Spandau, and more importantly I was
wondering whether I should leave Miss H R. for Miss H
M, as Miss H M friend Miss S R would only go out with
my friend J if I went out with Miss H M, so I can be
forgiven for not noticing the change in the air.

It was at this time that every boy in school was
actively participating in the Cub Scouts, we were all
eager young boys wanting fun and adventure, of course
sliding down inflatable water shoots and learning how
to tie a slip knot can only wear down a boy enthusiasm
for so long, so after attempting to highjack the Girl
Guides meetings and bow down to their Brown Owl, for
which I got a clip round the ear (this was when the
adults clipped the children and not the other way
round), we all stumbled into a cunning plan. There was
one boy who, using our inept skills at detection, we
had convinced ourselves was gay. We barracked him in
the way only small boys can, na na na na.... anyway,
it was during one of these intellectual discussions
about his sexual preferences, someone suggested we all
try it, all 20 of us. It was agreed that during the
Cub Scout Annual Summer Camp we would embark on this
enlightening and dangerous mission of trying out being
gay.

A couple of weeks later, we were all boarding the
coach along with 25 other boys and 4 adults to head
for some field near a river for the annual camp. We
arrived and after setting up the camp, the 'gay'
element headed for the nearest forest and the 'rules'
were established, we were spilt into pairs for the
week and it was agreed that we would indulge during
the evenings in the tents (which were holding 10 boys
each) and during the afternoon after lunch when we
would get an hour or so to explore the area. I ended
up with my friend J, who as one of the first in out
year to start puberty, and was exceptionally tall
(about 5'9, in comparison with my miniature 4'4).

So as the week progressed, I found myself enjoying the
'extra' activities more and more (I will refrain from
the glossier details), and then found myself actively
participating in all the 'regular' Cub activities with
glee, as I was trying to get through them as quickly
as possible to get to the 'extra' activities. Now the
leaders of course had no idea about our pledge or any
of the events surrounding that, including the sneaking
from tent to tent in the middle of the night to embark
on said activities, so my enthusiasm for all the tasks
were seen as my dedication to the Cubs and the Camp
activities.

So the week passes, and as on these occasions a small
ceremony and prize given is set up. Due to my
eagerness and whole-hearted dedication to the tasks
and activities (ahem!), I was awarded the top honour
of 'Cub of the Camp', hence my award and certificate.

So that's how the Cub's helped me become gay, and how
I have an award and certificate to remind me of my
'coming out' as it were.

Tie a Red Ribbon....

Support World AIDS Day

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Feeling Older and Helpless

Monday was the day when I turned 28, and yet still managed to feel as helpless abound things as when I was 8.

Firstly I want to note that I had a fantastic weekend, enjoyable, naughty, excessive and unpredictable as all birthdays should be. I was enjoying my day tremendously, then a couple of friends and myself decided to visit the cinema and watched The Constant Gardener, and never have I entered the cinema feeling wonderful to leave two hours later feeling so disinclined about the world and what impact you can have.

If you've not seen the film it's based on a John Le Carre novel, who I've read quite a few of his books, and is proberbly more known for Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. The film centers around a diplomat and his wife and how her investigations into phamarcutical companies treated of the African people in drug trials lead to her death, and her husbands pursuit of investigating this.

As all films should, whether light-hearted or more intense, this film moved me completely, very rarely have I been moved to tears, more to do with the knowledge that although this is a film, that there are truths behind this fable, that are killing those that are believing we're protecting them, and even killing those that believe we're saving them.

My grandmother had a saying that "life is simple, only money and other people complicate it", and that's never more true than watching this film. Money has increasing corrupted people, as money has brought power, and with power comes fear of loss of power, which leads people to do dreadfully things to hold onto that, even if it involves hurting or killing other humans.

As I get older I become more frustrated at the injustices in the world and the wholesale corruption of the innocents by money and power, and can do nothing but despair at how it's going to end.

Friday, November 11, 2005

In Remembrance



In light of my post yesterday, and as it's Armistice Day, I'd like to take a moment to remember all those who lost their lives to protect our freedoms.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Feeling Ashamed and Appalled

Reading the views and comments made on the BBC website, and also those expressed in Newspapers, not just by politicians but also the general public, in response to the 90 day detention law being rejected yesterday, I have never felt so ashamed that the majority of the public feel it's ok to lose the freedoms and liberties that we were meant to protect in light of the terrorist attacks on July 7th.

I was on board the tube that exploded at Edgeware Road station, and even in light of that, I have never felt so strongly against a viewpoint for a very long time, in fact I was so incensed that I added my comment to the BBC website, something I've never done before, here's is the extended version of my comment, which has been cut to comply with their comment limits:

I'm appalled by the reaction of the majority of the newspapers and the public on this message board who feel that this is just based on Tony Blair’s popularity in the house. The law proposed of allowing suspects to be detained for 90 days without charge or information given as to their detention, based on suspicion of terrorist activities is abhorrent to our freedoms and ways of life.

As someone who was present on the Edgeware Road tube explosion on July 7th, and therefore a supposed victim of terrorism, I feel that there has been insufficient evidence presented by the police and security services over the need for a 90 day detention without charge. The police and in particular Ian Blair, need to understand that they are just the executors of the law, and not the law makers. That is passed to our elected MP's, who behaved in the right manner to protect our freedoms within this country.

I've never felt so ashamed of the reaction of the majority of the public in agreeing with the police and Tony Blair over allowing such a fundamental freedom of innocent until proven guilty to be eroded away, and to allow detention without explanation of the reasons for that.

The police already have sufficient laws to allow them to hold suspects to gather evidence for a charge, and should focus on gathering evidence more efficiently.

By rejecting this proposal the MP's have protected our freedoms and institutions, which the terrorists have tried and planned to remove. The public need to realise that the threat of our freedom in life no longer just comes from terrorists, but from those who are supposed to protect us.

Mr Lover Lover.....

Having took a test that Slightly Lost found,

I've discovered that I'm a Loverman in a Relationship, perhaps it's true, although it also says that I'm successfull in all my relationships...does success include all my long term boyfriends leaving me for someone else?




FACT:
You embody the German principle of Konstantzusammenschaft, which is best described in English (without using the obscure English word "sammenschaft") as "eternal togethermanship".
The Loverboy
Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMm)

Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships--as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

You've had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You're a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

Your exact opposite:
The Billy Goat

Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer
You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you'll get bored. And then instead of surprising him with flowers or a practical joke, you'll surprise him by leaving.


ALWAYS AVOID: The Billy Goat

CONSIDER: The Boy Next Door, The Loverboy


Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: Mr_Haf

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Cleansing

Sometimes you have a weekend, whereby you manage to achieve everything you had planned on Friday afternoon, while waiting for the clock to tick down in work, and sometimes you do so much more.

It's these kind of weekends whereby you've managed to clean out all your old junk, cleansing not only your room space but also yourself, where you feel as if a lot has lifted from your shoulders just because you no longer have a pile of clothes at the bottom of your wardrobe waiting to be sorted, where you reinvigorate yourself by hanging those pictures you bought over a year ago to 'brighten up' the place, and where you reach your inner peace by dismantling the ancient computer that has caused you so much grief over the past 6 months.

If only you could manage this every weekend, then you would always face Mondays with a chipper attitude every week too.

Of course, the other consequence of cleaning your junk out, and making things clearer also means that you look at your life differently too, and as I'm due to celebrate my 28th year within the week, it means I've reached an age where you take stock a little and wonder how you managed to get where you are with considerable little effort.

Reaching 28, appears to be quite a milestone in a gay man's life, nearly all my gay friends are 28, and have been for some time, it's the age you reach, and stop counting, partly through fear of your "th**ties" and partly as it's the age where most of them realised that they needed to 'achieve' more in their life.

I was discussing this with my friend P on Sunday, after another night/day of dancing and deprivation, and while I've openly managed to achieve quite a lot, a degree, my own house in Swansea, a decent job with excellent pay and wonderful friends and family, I've done so without much effort on my part. Obviously there has been some effort, but I've got much more than I've been entitled too, and now I've reached that age where I know there's no rush in getting more, but I need to think about focussing on what I want to do, and how do I want to get that.

My only concern is that at this present time I'm so comfortable in what I've got, I've misplaced my ambition, and therefore have lost the goals I initially wanted in my youth.

The best part of this though is that with a clean conscience, and a clean slate, there are no limits to what I could achieve or in what my dreams can be.

I really like this chipperness, its fantastic!

Friday, November 04, 2005

That Friday Feeling

Fridays are always so relaxed in work, there's an antipation about the weekend, everything that has to be done has been, and the drinks trolley is rattling around passing out wine or Bucks Fizz (made the proper way) alongside the snacks, and of course friday Cake.

Today though seems more joyfull than most, and it not down to something I can point my finger at, but a combination of many things that seemed to have gelled together to lighten the feeling in the office. Perhaps it's the bosses have been dragged to a strategy meeting, allowing all us smerfs to run riot, perhaps it's because in my dept of 'ladies dresses', our TV advertised lines, have arrived, and through a detailed analysis (i.e. everyone tried on the dress) it suited me the bst, maybe this is because I'm the only 6ft size 8 in the dept.

Yet if I had to pick one thing it must be down to the kissing vouchers that have been flooding the dept.

So to pass on the joys of Friday, here you go:



Remember it's Friday, it's 5 past 5, it's Crackerjack time!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Quiz - Does your Colour preference dictate your emotions?

Well apparently it does, well for me anyway....

Give it a go:


ColorQuiz.comMr+Haf took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs a change in his circumstances or in his rela..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Old Loves and New Beginnings

This weekend I went to Trade, as expected it was busy and filled with all my exes, now like the majority of gay men I've tended to stay friends with all my exes, partly as I'm quite amicable, and partly as the gay social circle within gay clubs and especially the Vauxhall area, is relatively small, so it makes more sense to get on with your relationships, rather than cut yourself off from everyone else.

Now, I'm quite happy chatting away with my exes, they're lovely guys, and the relationships have tended to fizzle out, rather than end in some explosion of hate. So this Sunday morning, I spent my time chatting to 2 in particular, firstly there was R, who is a very good friend of mine now, and with whom I spilt a year ago as he was in love with someone else, eventually they've managed to get together, and he too has become a friend of mine. Things seemed to b moving well for them, and they were set to move in together, when R got dumped on Thursday, of course he was terribly upset about it all, and I offered what words of comfort I could manage.

This though seems to have been a turning point in my relationship with R, we kind of dated for 6 months, and I was a lot more keen on him than he was on me, due to his love for this other guy, and despite my outwardly convictions of that it didn't matter what had happened between us, I was fine, where as in fact he was the 3rd guy that broke my heart. It took me a long time to realise that, and even when R stated dating P, which initially was a fragile relationship, I insisted that I had no feeling for R like I used to have, and even helped him and P get through their troubles. Despite all this I always knew that if they're relationship floundered and R asked me to get back with him, I'd probably would.

Yet on Sunday, while I was again dealing with the repercussions over this latest fallout, I realised that if he had asked me now, I couldn't date him again, I have strong feelings for R, but it's purely friendship, my previous feeling of passion have gone completely. I can't even manage to think of him in that way anymore. This is good, it has finally allowed me to move on, and in a way I've never felt I could before. Now I feel I can spend time in his company and not wonder about what might have been, r what will happen, it's just based on pure friendship, and wishing him well with his relationships. Hopefully he and P can resolve what just seem panicking nerves about commitment, and all that entails, and they can be the couple they can be, like I’ve seen them be before when it's just the two of them locked together.

The second ex J, is a bit more intriguing, I met J in Feb, and we spent a couple of months together, but this was one of the fizzle out relationships that I'm prone to. This is partly as about 5 weeks into a relationship I start wondering where it's going, how it's going to end, and if this is the one I want to spend time with? This was he case with J, when I met him we where in a club and He came and sat next to me, and I instantly started chatting to him and we got on really well, then he asked me to dance, and when he stood up, I found he was quite short, he only came up to my chest. As time went on I found him increasingly intriguing and lovely, but shallow as it sounds, I couldn't get over the height issue, and then in my typical way of dealing with failing relationships, I would cancel arrangements to meet, and reschedule dates and meetings until J got fed up and decided to end it once and for all.

We then went a couple of months without seeing each other as we were both quite busy, but then we met a couple of months again, and we spent time chatting and again I really liked him, but the height issue is the same again. Then we met on Sunday, and again I really liked him, but the height issue has seemed less important than it was previously, although now he has a boyfriend (which I admit, I felt a little jealous over), although he mentioned that this is ending as he is due to go to Australia travelling for a year in January, and after that he's getting married (as he's Indian he's having an arranged marriage) to a Lesbian. So as it stands as I've managed to get over one ex, I seem to be thinking more and more about another.

Maybe this is way the sun seems to shining a lot in the last couple of days?