Tuesday, April 04, 2006

New opportunities

This weekend has been eventfully and curiously more enlightening as it went on, following my job interview on Friday afternoon. That went very well, I thought I had ballsed it up for a while, yet quite astonishingly yesterday I was informed that the job was mine, I'm now going to be working in Marketing for a well known Human Rights organisation, my ideal job.

My excitement for this continues to grow, I remember seeing the advert and being so moved that this job was made for me that I physically cried. How gay. Yet I not ashamed of admitting that, this is something that has come at the right time almost with impeccable timing, especially with my looming redundacy, and my new boss is delightful, yesterday he mentioned that everyone there (I suspect that was a slight exaggeration, possibly even considering the entire Marketing Dept) was really excited that I was coming, and looking forward to working with me. I can't wait.

Also on Friday afternoon, I was sent an email about Hat Club opening in Clapham, I've been to Hat Club in Brighton, and loved it, funky music, nice people, extrodanary hats. Which reminded me of a lovely young man I met in A:M who was wearing a charming hat when we met, and was the basis of our much covered conversation during the evening. So I texted him to enquire if he would be interested in joining me there, he rang back and we discussed it at length, plus my recent job interview. He is a photographer, and is currently during a project on Human Rights abuses in the country, and was planning a piece containing several nudes in parliament Sq, and enquired f I would like to join, so it seems one phone call later, and I've managed a date and permission to swagger round the HofP in the nude, an ambition I didn't even realise I had until it was suggested to me.

Then there was the occasion of my Godchild's christening on Sunday, of which I seem to have renounced sin in her name, oh dear, what were her parents thinking of asking a drugged gay man to be their child's moral guardian. The child's life is corrupted before it's even started properly yet.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Leaping

It's been a turbulant time in work recently, there are major changes afoot, including a loss of 25 people who currently do my job, out of a current 105.

The other thing is that the job is also changing for those that stay, whereas now my workload is taken up with analysing and assisiting buying with allocating and store communications, will now become purely allocating and store communicating.

I've always been in two minds about my job, the analysing I love, the allocating a bore, so with this is mind, I put myself up for voluntary redundacy, as yet to be confirmed. Now this week during consultation, the true reasons behind the change were annonced, whereas previously we were told that it was to improve the business, the directors set out how many they actually wanted to lose, and it was the job of the projct manager to relaise these figures, which is appalling treatment by a supposedly 'fair and respected employer', yet this isn't the only point of aner aainst the proposal. The business, as with many other offered a bonus on company and unit performance, which the business had achieved with ease this year, and hasn't happened for a number of years. This week is the last week of the fiancial year, and the directors hav stated that the bonus payments will be annonced on April 10th, but won't be paid till June 10th. With discussions of those facing redundacy it has come about that 1) as the company considers reducdacy as dismissal it won't pay, and 2) even if it decided to do so, the people facing redundacy would have to be here on June 10th.

Now everyone has worked long and hard to achieve bonus over the last year, and for once it will be paid, then they decide to make 25 people redundant and also stop them from reciving the bonus they've earned, but stating that they need to be employed by the company on June 10th, but they won't be as they're firing them, it's an appalling treatment of people who have worked hard for the company.

Anyway, on a more positve spin, I applied for the job I wanted as Marketing Analyst, and have an interview tomorrow, terribly nervous about it all, but i've spent the past week researching and revising, so I should be all set.

My personal life is as chaotic as ever, I took Ant to the girls leaving party last Friday, before he proceeded to get wasted, and was asked to leave. I really dont know how to feel about Ant, sober, he's lovely, funny, kind, attentive, wastd he's letchy, abusive, inconsiderate. What do I do aout it, I'm not conviced I have the aplitude to put up with his self destruction every time we go out, I need someone who is fine with who they are, and aren't hellbent on destroying themselves, it's not where I am personnally, although I am filled with guilt about the feeling this way.

This weeknd is Rhiannon's Christening, Ferdie is arriving from Nottingham, so it will be Rich, Ferds and I again, which hasn't happend for about 5 years now. I'm looking forward to it.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Desperately Seeking......

During the last few weeks, I've again tormented myself with the knowledge that I'm single, and apart from the brief interludes last year with Jay, Andy and Adam, all of which lasted about 4 weeks apiece, I have been for more than 2 years since Reg left me for Piers.

Life has moved on considerably since then, I've become more sure of myself, finally convincing myself that I have reasonable looks, although not pretty by any standard. Everyone comments that they can't understand why I'm single, as I'm 'so nice', but clearly they're not being as honest as they should.

On Gaydar, I'm always asked to provide more pictures, yet when I do, they never reply, even if we've flirted previously quite outrageously. It took me a while to realise that while I'm not picture perfect, I'm considered cute by some, as in person, I exclude a certain energy and aura, that makes me appear more desirable than a picture would.

There's a lot about me, that I've been afraid to share, and a this has led me to shy away from relationships as they progress, or on occasions, been so desperate for someone to share these hidden incidents, that I've come on too strong too quickly, and scared them off. Reg was an exception for me, I actually wasn't too bothered about him first of all, then he grew on me, until I felt that I had loved, the first since Ray left me for a barmaid during my Swansea days. His leaving me left a huge gap in my life, I felt empty again, and unloved by everyone, so I closed myself to sharing again.

Although this year, I've said that I wouldn't rush anything, and while there are a few boys in the picture, I've not pushed it too much, perhaps even being not pushy enough for them to realise my interest, well that's what I thought I was doing.

This weekend, I spent the majority of my time with the girls down the road, although they're lesbians, and previously I've been nervous around lesbians. I connected with a couple of them, during the early mornings while in a drug fuelled state. Yet while I could chat to Ange about everything, and we shared similar childhoods and other stories, which is the stuff that has prevented me from opening up to others. It was with Jen that I realised more about myself. She quite rightly pointed out that my facade about not looking for someone was false. She mentioned that she had been single for 4 years before meeting her girlfriend, and that she decided that she would be alone forever, which was what my feelings were. I had decided that my life was destined to end as a single person, never connecting with anyone again, and sharing my feelings of love and depair with anyone else.

Yet I realised that I am still looking, I am still desperately seeking someone to share my life with, and to say that I shouldn't be looking as I had tried to convince myself and others had tried to impose on me, just isn't working. I feel alone, and unsure of how to progress, I want to stop looking, as that, as the cliche states, is when someone will bound into my life to rescue me from my loneliness, yet I can't stop pretending to myself that this is true, how do you accept the fact that all those feelings of wanting to share your thoughts, desires, passions and uncertainties with someone else, and be there for them to tell you theirs. How to do you become passionless over a need to expose yourself deeply with another, and yet still be able to appreciate life and the world with wonder. There's no switch to turn this off and on, and I dread the time when if I could not feel a need, a passion, would life be interesting, would it still make me want to live it.

It's easy for those that have found people to offer advice about how to conduct your personal life, yet not everyone is the same, not everyone wants to feel dead to life, and not everyone can turn it off. So, what now, how do I manage this passion of life, this desperate need to share against the feeling of emptiness within.

p.s. I ended up sleeping with the Dr and bf again. tut! tut!, I really must control these urges, it will end ugly otherwise.

Cautious

It's been a number of weeks since my last entry, mainly as I've considered the possiblity of not using this site again. I started blogging years ago on 20six, using it as an electronic version of my diary, which I wrote since the age of 12. Yet the ability for others to leave comments meant that, I would in turn read their entries. This then meant that I would also leave comments, and conduct conversations viia the comments with other bloggers.

Before I knew it, I was writting entries to entice comments, rather than using it as intended to voice my inner thoughts which I couldn't explain in other ways. That was when I decided to stop using it, and eventually leave blogging all together. Then months later, I received an email from a young man called slightly, who commented that he had found my entries entertaining. So I decided to start again, fuelled by the desire to have my work read and praised, so I started this blog.

Then again I found myself commentating on others, and writting to attract comments, or feel as if it's being read, but that's not why I started blogging in the first place, so I need to start again, so I've turned the comments off, I no longer want to know if anyone reads this diary entry, it's not for you, it's for me, a place to put my thoughts. Explain things I want to remember, but can't tell anyone, as I don't have a partner, or don't want to give too much of myself away to others.

Friday, March 03, 2006

All Hail Ming The Merciless

It's been with growing apathy over the last 5 weeks that I've watched the Lib Dem leadership election.

From those dizzying and unexpected revelations concerning Charlie 'Just the One!' Kennedy, Mark 'Shit Hit the Bedspread' Oaten and Simon 'Not Me Guv'!' Hughes, it all stumbled into a nice but boring campaign. Even when all 3 candidates were on Question Time, not one of them seemed to eke any charisma or aptitude for relating to anyone other than die-in-the-wool Lib Dems who have been in the past mistaken (or maybe not) as the Sandal & Sock brigade. It was all 'Yes, I agree whole-heartedly with so-and-so, blah! blah! blah!' Where was the questioning which was to mark the party's new direction from being portrayed as all things to all people, and finally mark our ground on the major policies, which have been swamped by New Labour and the compassionate conservatives (with a small c) in recent years.

With such lacking discussions and a failure of the new breed of young forward-thinking Lib Dems, who are engulfing the party at every other level to stand for election, it was no surprise that 'Ming' Campbell won, it was also no surprise that Chris Huhne came second, partly for Hughes denial of being gay, then admitting being bi-sexual, which is different, but in a lot of people's eyes, myself included, if he had kept quiet about it, regardless of direct questions, he would have been respected more. Members didn't like being lied to, he should have known better. The other reason is that despite being grey haired, Huhne is one of the new breed, which is moving the party from it's central left position to a more acceptable belief in maintaining public services, without moving from encouraging business growth. If one of his brethin like Ed Davey, David Laws or Andrew George had run, then with their similar policies as Huhne and also Campbell, mixed with their more apparent charisma, they surely would have taken the leadership.

Well what's done is done, although based on this most bruising of contests, the result will only become apparent, in the weeks and years till the next General Election. Will 'Ming' live up to his namesake and become merciless in his approach and policies, or will he be more becalming and dodery as many will now seek to betray him, either way, does anyone really care anymore, or even taking notice.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Homophobia within Sport



I've been reading with interest the posts by Zefrog and Slightly concerning Football and Homophobia, and the so called 'outings' of the Premiership footballers.

While both make valid points, concerning the impact that it would have on society if some of the players within sport were to come as gay, there seems to be a discrepancy between other sports and football.

Growing up in Wales, were Rugby is considered on par with religion, it has was always acknowledged that there are players who are gay, but not openly so, even if they did, I don't believe that there would be much of a anti-gay movement as Slightly claims. I've personally slept with 2 players who have played at International level for Wales, and a even more who have played at Club level.

Apart from the ones who were in relationships with females at the time, the others were known within they're clubs as being gay or bisexual. This didn't affect the relationships that the other players had with them, although as expected it was used regularly as a way of mocking them, but not viciously, more in banter, as they would also mock those of a shortened height or with a lisp. While some may consider this as being offensive, it also should be remembered that if someone was to say something about the gay players and meant it offensively from any other team, then the teammates of those who were being attacked would support them.

This also applies to those who support Rugby, fans in general are considered polite to those who play against their team, while they want they're team to succeed and there are rivals within the sport, generally most fans appreciated other teams, are respectfully of them and the players within the opposition. A player of different colour, creed or nationality doesn't tend to suffer any abuse from fans when they play. Those of different clubs aren't targeted when they play for the International teams, and even International teams for example England when playing against Wales, are afforded that respect when they play. There are a number of players who the fans know to be gay, yet don't chant abuse or torment them even if they play for the closest rival team, Rugby is and will continue to be a thug game played by gentlemen, and this applies to the fans too.

Football on the otherhand doesn't have the same respect either by the players or the fans. Players details of they're private lives are sort after, and exploited by the press and the fans to hurl abuse, mock and seek an advantage by demoralizing the player and the team.

The current obsession, not only by the tabloid press but also the gay press, which you would consider would be more respectful of people's private lives, mainly for readership and advertising revenue, in regard to the football players who have indulged in private behaviour whether it was gay or not shows how far we have to go to respect others be they gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight and their privacy. Just because someone has a trade within the public arena doesn't mean that they have to be tormented when they live within the law and cause no legal or moral disturbances.

Gay footballers will not be able to come out now or in the future until public obsession with the sexual lives of those who are held in high regard, idolised or in the public eye disappears.

Hopefully the readers of the Sun, NofW and other equally unrespectfull media outlets will tire of the current witchhunt over people's sexual lives, which will enable those who wish to live openly as gay, lesbian or bisexual without themselves or others constantly stating so will be able to.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Going Home

I've been excessively poor of late updating this blog again, only one simple post in 2 weeks, I won't lie to you, I just couldn't be bothered. Lots has gone on, but my memory has become fuzzy again, so I can't remember enough details to finish what I'll start.

In light of my last post, my lovelife (which is contradictory word by my book) has stalled completely, but that doesn't matter, since the last post I met my first guy on Gaydar fo purely sex reasons, invited him over, experianced his shock and awe tattics of foreplay and within the hour he was off cycling home, so that should keep me happy for another couple of months.

Within the last 2 weeks, I've been kidnapped by 6 lesbians and taken back to their abode, plied with ck (the new drug of choice amongst the gay community) and vodka, and sounded out for the 'security' services.

I've been waxed, cut, tanned and whored for charity. Left my volunteering for the Samaritons, enroled in Amnesty.

I've learned palmistry, read an interesting, yet dubious book by John T Manning on the links between finger ratios and homosexuality. Enroled for my CIPD course to allow me to go back to training and development. Enroled on a Chinese (Mandarin) language course, and got a friend to teach me Cantonesse in exchange for me teaching him Welsh (clearly not a equal swap, but at least Welsh is more romantic).

I've discovered that people have lines which when crossed (even when not done on purpose) can lead to the silent treatment. Also that (pre)friends on drugs can lead them to become paronoid and cut you off completely.

Still apart from that insightfull fortnight, the main jist of this post is that as of tomorrow I'm going back to Wales for 6 days. This joy of returning to desolate landscapes, poor communication methods and Albright bitter is only compounded by the knowledge that at least I'll be able to work more on my book, which has falling by the wayside in the last month or so.

Well stay fresh.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Week is a Long Time in a Love Life

Within the last week, the love front has grown more complex, and then simplified itself.

Last Tuesday I finally had the date with Ad, which seemed to go ok, he's the kind of guy that appeals to me intellectualy, and when I'm in his company, I enjoy being able to discuss things with him that the majority of my friends don't discuss at all.

In a lot of ways he reminds me of my friend P, as they both have interests in politics, science, yet Ad also enjoys Opera as much as I. While they both would make enjoyable companians, I can't imagine having sex with either, therefore not great bf material. This is a shame, as Ad is very cute.

So come Wednesday my attentions are more drawn towards At, who's the one that used to date P when I was going out with R (P's current bf), but again I'm not sure of my motives here, so we'll leave this for now.